I'm so absolutely disappointed in my self (Female). Back in 2016 it took me about 2yrs to go from 250 to 150. I didn't keep at 150 I liked 160-165ish. I maintained that weight for YEARS I'm 5'7 and Dr wanted me at 140 because my lupus. I worked out a lot I had a pretty good life. My job was 12hr nights working in a homeless shelter for 4yrs my steps were almost never under 10k when I worked. If I saw the scale creeping up to 170 I would deal with it and get it back down. 170 was my I WILL NOT PASS THIS line.
My mom died March 2016 on Easter. Even though that was rediculously hard and I delt with it poorly, however I maintained my weight. 2017-2018 was quite I lost some friends because I isolated. I just worked and slept. My psych dr too my off work for 6mo in the new year 2017.
2018 I sadly had a fall on ice that fucked my shoulder. took me months of daily physio (WCB I'm Canadian) I finally got to the place work wanted me at and my first shift back I got laid off. During this I lived in swear pants and I fist give a fuck. That summer I got robbed, and fell on a stove and evened up in a burn unit. My roommates kicked me out with 2wks notice after all this shit and I ended up having to leave my cat with them as I couldn't find a place to allow pets.
Things turned around when my friends hooked me up with this amazing landlord it was brilliant, low rent house mostly to my self and am amazing location because I take transit. I got a job as a youth worker, and was slowly putting my life together. I got probably 185-190 at this point. I had foot surgery Feb 28 2018 that laid me up for about 3mo, more weight packed on I couldn't walk. Once that was over I decided enough was enough time to track my CICO. I was still over eating since my job is more of a desk job on nights so some nights I'm alone no kids and can eat and do what I want as long as I don't leave the house. I KNEW what was wrong I was eating more then 1500 Cal's acting like I was working at the shelter. It was RARE it I ever hit 10k steps. With the shelter my 1450cal meant I could push it to 2k Cal's and still lose weight. I hit 205 end of 2019 and criesd. I got back on the horse and got down to 190 I was proud! It was working. I walked a 5k any day I didn't work and at work I would work out with the kids.
Beginning of this year I broke my leg (Tib Tin break) I needed surgery and a rod put in my leg. I'm only NOW just starting to walk without an aid. I did almost 2k the other day.
My weight this moment is 194.8
I hate myself. None of my old clothes fit me, I see my old jeans and just cry, I kept every thing thinking I would get back to 170ish easy and quick. That was a lie.
Covid doesn't help as I have lupus, adds to my stress and eating crappy or to much. I KNOW EXACTLY what has gone wrong and how to fix it.
I just fail each time. I feel ugly, and pathetic. My old "friends" if they saw me they would just smerk and say something like "see she a mess". Since getting kicked out I see my therapist weekly I've does 6mo of DBT therapy, I see my psych Dr monthly. So I haven't just sat around and not trying to help myself. I really am trying. I got my cat back which causes so much drama that friendship were ruined over a fucking CAT.
That's my story, I'm sorry this is so long and I'm just tired, NEEDED to rant, and want to give up and say fuck it I'll me ugly the rest of my life. I know I need to do this for myself and I felt so much better at 160 I 195 SUCKS. Yet I say "what's the point"
TLDR; used to me 250lbs got to 150-160 into 2018, shit hit the fan had a few surgery's and live altering shit happen got to 205lbs, got down to 190lbs doing ok, broke my leg and been stuck at home unable to walk for the majority of the last 12 weeks. Now 195 and feel pathetic.
Thank you for coming to my ted talk.
[link] [comments]
source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/ghl9rq/i_need_to_get_this_off_my_chest/
No comments:
Post a Comment