I made a throwaway account because I'm so ashamed. I've been (morbidly) obese my entire life. I've been fighting it my entire life. I can't remember being happy with my weight. Can't remember not struggling with this diet or the next. God I failed so many times. I lost weight, gained it all back, lost some, gained some more for so many times. Can you imagine reactions from people around me? When I lose weight people ask ''well uhm. Good job I guess? Are you gonna keep it this way this time?'' and when I gain it all back the comments are even worse.
In the last few years I kinda sexualized it to coop with it I guess? (right now in a long term relationship with an enabler/feeder). I know you'll probably think that I'm crazy. You know what? Maybe I am. But I also felt like that would be my only shot at being loved by someone. I found in that fetish what I never found anywhere else. Someone that thought I was attractive. He does support my weight-loss and goals too though.
God. I feel weak. I feel disgusting. I feel like I've tried everything. Every fucking diet there is. Including cico. I'm so sick of it all. I hate myself with every fiber of my body. I'm at a point that I can barely get out of bed. Mentally as well as physically. This year (2019/2020) I lost 90 pounds and gained 100 right after. I'm now at a shocking 365 lbs. I know I can never give up, the world doesn't want me to. I don't want me to. But I'm so tired of this same battle. I can't breath. I'm so fucking stuck. Can't stop crying. I'm sorry for this depressing rant. I just really don't know what to do anymore. I'm not sure what I hope to find in this community. I joined one of the challenges on here last year with my real account. It worked for a while but well.. Here we are. A point I've found myself so many times. The worst part is that everyone says it's so easy. It's so fucking easy isn't it? You simple have to be on a calorie deficit. That's all. I know it's true, but it fuels my self loathe. Ugh I can't even look in a fucking mirror. I'm thinking about giving up. Just accepting my disgusting body and mind for what it is. It's so easy but apparently I can't do it.
Please. Help me.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/ggyife/help_me/
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