This is going to long-winded, so I apologize in advance . I have struggled with binge eating and compulsive eating for many years. For the most part I have it under control after tons of therapy and meds to help with anxiety and depression. I am still struggling to learn how to have a healthy relationship with food. The only time I wasn't overweight was during a deep bout of depression in my early 20s.
Anyway, about 6 years ago I was at my heaviest weight, extremely obese and verging on pre-diabetic. At the same time my MIL was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. I realized I needed to get my shit together and do something about my health so I could be there for my husband and daughter. I started to eat healthier, and exercised at my work gym. Over about a year I lost 55 lbs and all my labs came back great. I felt so much better and my doctor and my family were so proud of me. About 6 months later my MIL passed and alone with all the general sadness my anxiety skyrocketed.
Like I said I've gotten lots of treatment for that and I'm doing better now. But I've been gaining and losing the same 10ish pounds for the past 3 years. I can never seem to stick to it for more than a couple months. I can lose 10-15 lbs and it doesn't make much a difference in my clothes, so it doesn't feel like anything is happening. I can't envision what a smaller, stronger me would look or feel like. It seems like a dream. It feels just as conceivable that I might wake up with wings one morning. I really think that is part of the problem. Since I can't picture it, it makes the goal so amorphous I can't grasp it, let alone get there.
I've only truly lost weight twice in my life, once during the borderline suicidal depression when I was 21 and this time when I had my insulin levels to get under control. I've at least 50 lbs to lose. I know my health is being affected and as I get older it will get worse, but somehow I can't keep the urgency. My insulin, BP, and cholesterol are fine but I know that won't last forever.
I don't even know why I'm writing this anymore. I'm eating well right now and once it isn't freezing outside I'm looking forward to running again. I guess I just wonder if anyone else feels like this? Like you can't make yourself believe that underneath might be a healthier, stronger person?
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/ern7v8/trouble_believing_and_an_overshare_of_my_life/
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