The last year and a half has just been awful for me. I can’t stop rebounding. What do i do now?

September 2018 i was 118 kg (260 lbs)

January 2019 i was down to 101 kg (222 lbs)

May 2019 i was back up to 116 kg (260 lbs) again

October i was down to 104 kg (230 lbs)

Now... i’m back to 114 kg (250 lbs).

This has been going on for years. But this year i really tried extremely hard and i felt good about my results. It feels like i’m at square -13 now, i need 13 steps to reach square 0. My body also feels awful. I feel worse now after several rebounds than i did when my weight was high but constant.

The task seems so daunting, and i just can’t find it in me anymore. I go to them gym, start eating healthy, then i just think “what’s the point? I’ll be back at this weight within 6 months”. I wasn’t this pessimistic before.

Even my family’s starting to give me shit. I had to make up some bullshit as to why i can’t visit them for Christmas because i don’t want them to know i’ve gained back all the weight i lost. The last time my mother saw me she was very happy that i had lost weight, i just can’t bare to meet her again and have her see me like this. Every time she calls she says “you’re still going to the gym and watching your health right?” and i always say “yes don’t worry about it”.

I lose a bunch of weight, then something happens that just triggers a rebound. I don’t want to get into too much detail, but in January i got into a fight with my parents and then i rebounded. In October i tried really hard to perform well on this thing i had in college, failed hard, rebounded.

When i’m rebounding it’s as if my life is on fastforward. I just binge eat and binge eat and binge eat and perform the bare minimum to survive. As long as i’m binge eating i feel like i’m not alive. Then one day i “wake up” and notice i’m back to square 0. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I just can’t find the will to keep doing this. I’ve been trying to lose weight for almost 15 years now. My entire youth has been wasted being fat and disgusting.

What do i do? I honest to god don’t know anymore. I have nobody i can talk to about this. I have been avoiding my family for months now.

submitted by /u/shadowles5
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/em3bfv/the_last_year_and_a_half_has_just_been_awful_for/