So I am about two months into this new fitness and weight loss journey where I became a lot more focused and serious. Everything changed for me one day. Not sure how, but happy for it. I just realized I could turn around and stop heading down the path I was on that was making me unhappy, and have been doing/choosing what makes me happy. It’s been a world of difference for me.
I’ve always been mean to myself. I was taught to be. I come from a family of supremely insecure women. Horribly toxic diet culture. I’ve been obese most of my life, but for a small portion was hospital/rehab level starving myself. It’s the only time I was ever thin in my life, and it was unhealthy. Everything has been disordered eating, until lately. I’ve already lost about 11lbs that I know of for sure. I’m hoping for it to be more at my official weigh-in early next week. My wish is to be under the 300 mark.
Anyways. I have a dumb job. It sucks, but it’s remote and that’s pretty great. Also my coworkers are awesome. We don’t see each other so there’s been a lot of fantasizing going on, definitely on my end. Im the only one on my team that didn’t share pictures of myself. Not just because I’m SMO, but because I don’t want people to see me. I think I’m the ugliest person on my team, and most of them shared pictures with filters. But that’s how irrational I am. Im really bad about indulging in that whole—life behind a screen—thing, and this job really lets me do that.
There’s this guy I work with who calls in to me a lot. And his voice is really hot. I’ve actually even seen a pic of him, he’s not terrible looking at all, and I feel like today he was flirting with me a little. Probably not, but Idk. I got some vibes. And all I can sit and think is, “sorry, Buddy. The voice doesn’t match the person.” I’ve thought really strange things like, “I wish we could see each other in person so they could formally reject me and I move on like always.” I was like—woah! What is that about?!?! And I realize I’ve done this to myself my entire life.
I have terrible self esteem and confidence and I want to get better. Im losing my weight but I also don’t want to hold myself back once it’s gone. I don’t want to see anyone until I lose about 100lbs. This is the crazy bs I feed into. I guess I just am starting to notice and feel weird about the fact that I think I’m so completely unacceptable as a human being. As if I’m the ugliest person. I guess I need to figure out where that stems from. Which is likely everywhere. I’ve always been called ugly, and it’s mostly always been about me being fat. Im not the prettiest face out there, but my ugliness has always been tied to my fat. When I was thin I got a decent amount of attention.
Idk. Just venting a bit. Im proud of myself for not going nuts today or overindulging because of the sadness. I could clearly see that it would be a vicious cycle, and I told myself what I’ve been telling myself, “well, if you don’t want to feel this way or be worried about how someone you think sounds cute would immediately reject you because you’re fat and not attractive, then you just need to keep going.” And so I am.
I just wish I wasn’t so mean to myself. I’m trying to work on radical acceptance.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/vq54qy/insecure_and_being_mean_to_myself_realizations/
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