I am a junk food junkie. I know even without professional help that I have a problem with food, I've had one for as long as I can remember, but I never recognized as a problem until I was almost an adult. It doesn't help that my mother is an obese woman herself, and when I was a kid my dad always kept a large stash of sweets and treats at an arms reach for us kids. I was born the biggest baby out of all of my siblings, and have remained fat to this day.
Now I'll try and not ramble too much, but growing up I was never really taught a healthy lifestyle or diet. Again, my mother's always been obese with a million health problems, as was her mom ( my Nana), she never really took us out much except for short walks or swimming (which she herself rarely participated in) and would often end up using junk food as both a treat and a reward, and more than once would use healthy foods as punishment. I'm still a picky eater to this day, but I've been working on expanding my pallet, cooking my own foods have greatly helped with that.
My dad was a bit on the bigger side too, but still much healthier than her, and he was the only one that took us kids out to exercise and would participate with us. Unfortunately food at his house wasn't much better, as I said junk food was almost always readily available, and even if there were veggies with the meals, there'd always be something unhealthy next to it. His girlfriend at the time didn't help either, she'd treat me like a toddler until I was a teen (like seriously she'd cut up my food for me when I was like 10), and like even though I was only there for weekends they'd keep the junk pantry well stocked for her then teenaged son (who she'd also babied lol). I guess treats = love?
Now, do I fully blame my parents for my weight? No, but you gotta admit they made shit 1000% harder for me, intentional or not. And when I say I'm addicted to junk food, I really mean it's so damn hard for me to say no to myself. I have so many haunting memories from childhood from my eating habits. From being called a pig at a girl guides camp for taking a single extra sausage at breakfast, to eating the frosting from several people's cupcakes at my friends 12th birthday party, eating just straight sugar and butter together as a snack, to literally stuffing my face until I puked in my dad's car or being very clearly excluded from my peers at lunch during a school field trip in like 3rd grade because I was the fat kid with a mini pizza (I had won a coupon for it in our school reading program..)
The only time my mother tried to 'help' me with my issues was by putting me in a 'body image' counselling group when I was like 12. All it did was tell us teens was that the images in magazines were photoshopped, it was pretty damn useless cause I already knew that lol. Then she tried to put the both of us on fad diets, we'd try a new one each week (my little sister and my mother's bf of course got to eat normal, older sister had moved out at this point). Naturally, the diets all failed, and she stopped trying to get either of us to lose weight. All my childhood she had a stash of diet coke and pastries/sweets next to her bed 24/7 that us kids couldn't touch, gee I wonder where my unhealthy habits came from? xD
I hate how much I physically take after my mother, it also terrifies me. I know that if I don't learn to control my addictions then I could have a heart attack in less than 15 years, I could become diabetic (like my Nana), I could have heart problems, joint problems, the works. The strangest part to me is that on my mother's side of the family, the only people with major health and weight problems are my mother and my Nana. Now, my mother is like 15-20 years younger than the rest of her siblings, so I wonder if that has anything to do with it? If she wasn't such an abusive raging narcissist I'd ask her about it lol. My father's side is a bit of a mixed bag, a lot of their health problems popped up due to their personal choices (such as smoking), but overall they're still relatively healthy for what it is. I guess I just got the shit end of the stick lmao.
To this day I struggle so hard with junk food and sugar. I've cut down on it plenty, but when I give in, I hardly enjoy it anymore. It makes me feel like shit the moment I'm done, and I become depressed because I feel like I'm failing myself. Like, this week I caved and ordered KFC on Monday because my landlords were having it upstairs and the smell wafted down here and I couldn't resist temptation. So I've been mainly just eating chicken all week, as I'd already pulled some thighs out of the freezer that night, and I'm trying to not waste. So I spent 40 bucks for something that wrecks my system when I don't really have 40 bucks to spare, and worst of all I don't know if I'd be able to say no to myself the next time I want take out again. I hate it, I hate having such a weak will, I don't feel good eating this shit but if it's in front of me I can't stop myself. Which makes going out so damn hard. I eat like someone's about to yank the plate from me at any second, shit's embarrassing but I just can't seem to stop myself.
I wish I'd never been introduced to sugar and junk at such a young age. I wish it was easier to avoid all the unhealthy shit out there. I wish that I was stronger. So many adults made comments on my habits when I was a kid, but no one offered to help me. Instead both kids and adults would make fun of me for how I ate, for how much I ate, for being so fat. My mother would make jabs at me too. I'd alternate from starving myself to stuffing my face until I was sick. I've hated myself since about 8 or 9.
I'm getting better, but obviously I still slip from time to time. As that one quote said "It doesn't matter how many times you fall, what matters is how many times you get back up", or something like that. And I know that this will be an uphill battle until the day I die, but I know the results will be well worth it in the long run.
Vent over. Take care, much love <3
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/vz5mep/i_hate_how_addicted_i_am_to_junk_food_and_sugar/
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