This is something that I have learnt to come to terms with as it is now my 36th year alive and not once not ever have I been thin. Sure, I've lost weight, used less then desirable methods to lose big amounts of lbs in short amount of time. Tried all the diets in the book and then some. Exercised until it became a part of my life (can't sleep..go for a run) and yet, I was still never not treated any better then I was when I was at my largest. I still remember getting treated like shit when I was in a healthy BMI. My sister who can proudly say that she plays a small part in me having no self esteem once signed me up in her up scale gym. The doctor did a fitness test and told her I was at healthy weight based on my BMI. Her jaw dropped to the ground and she loudly muttered 'that makes no sense, you still look fat!'
Over the years, I have gone through the pits of hell and back in trying to find ways to look and feel normal enough to be accepted by society. I read posts on here saying things like 'I am getting treated better now that Ive lost weight and I don't like it' unfortunately, I can't relate to that part. People, used to call me disgusting for dressing in short skirts cos I looked hideous. And the list goes on and on.
Not all has been bad, somewhere between the torments, I managed to find love ( I call him blind, he calls me beautiful) have two children and somehow found happines..except with my weight. I am struggling everyday. Its with me when I go to sleep, its with me when I wake up. All I think about is my weight. I am now at the heaviest I have ever been. Im on really expensive appetite supressants that I sometimes don't take (like today) because I just want to eat what I want. And old dear friend messaged me before and after pics of her losing 20lbs and she is skinny! She took 5 months, lost a dress size and she is skinny again. If I go and lose 20lbs, I would still be obese! I know my race is my own and all that and that I should no compare but damn some days (PMS days like today) make things so so much harder. She told me she has a good a support group with her flat mates and she gets support from her trainer everyday. I tell her all the great things of how inspired I am and how great she looks but inside I feel worse. I am cooking a meal tonight that I have been planning for weeks. To have with wine because I have not had a drink for over 2 weeks, and I feel filthy all of a sudden. All those nasty voices in my head asking me how dare I eat this meal.
I want to love myself more, but when you have never done it in your life ever, how do you? I suppose my point to this post is mainly to vent. I want to do the Conqueror challenge to give me something to look forward to but I am not on Facebook so I dont get that community support.I really don't know what to do anymore.
[link] [comments]
source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/pmo6zx/i_will_never_be_skinny/
No comments:
Post a Comment