Hi everyone! I've been a silent lurker on this group for a little while, testing the waters of weight loss but really afraid to take the plunge. This past week I have felt a surge of inspiration, and I am capitalizing on that now with this introductory post. Let me tell you a little bit about myself and why I am on this journey.
For pretty much as long as I can remember, I've been overweight (technically obese, perhaps morbidly obese depending on how you see things). Right now, I am 292.4 pounds, but a few weeks ago, I was at my highest weight ever at 301 pounds. I'm pretty upset I let myself go this far, but I am not going to judge myself or blame myself because I've been so hard on myself for so long, constantly berating myself for every failure. I'm just not going to do that anymore.
As a child, I learned from a young age how food was comfort. My non-English speaking grandparents took care of me during the day, and my grandfather, bless him, loved me but also enabled me. He would take me to the local convenience store a short walk away and allowed me whatever candies I wanted, and I wanted them all. I have recollections of me sitting in front of the TV, watching my cartoons, a pile of plastic packaged processed food laden with sugar and who-knows-what right in front of me. I think it was at that very tender age that I started learning that food=comfort. As I reached school age, I had the shame of my mother having to go to the "husky" section to find appropriate clothes for me. I knew that "husky" wasn't good, but despite that, I always remained chubby throughout school.
One summer in high school, I got really sick and ended up losing probably 40 or 50 pounds. When I came back to school in September, everyone noticed my weight loss and commented on how good I looked, even some of the teachers. The weight loss was merely a product of an extreme illness that I had, and I was definitely happy to be thinner, but it seemed like people were more happy about the weight loss than concerned about the illness I was facing. Because I didn't really try to lose the weight and it was essentially a side effect, as you can probably expect, I gained it all back.
I started to lose weight again between high school and college, this time in a more organic way. I started walking everywhere and eating mostly whole, unprocessed foods the summer before college. During my freshman year of college, I did not experience the "freshman 15" in fact, I lost weight. Probably 60 or so pounds. I did through incorporating lots of walking to get places and healthy eating choices. The meat sections of the college dining hall grossed me out, so I would mostly eat from the vegetarian section. I was so impressed with myself for the weight loss, and felt really good about. But--just as before, I gained a lot of it back again, the summer after freshman year, as I went back my old bad habits of being sedentary plus eating lots of junk food and too much food in general. For the remaining parts of my college years, I remained overweight, and likely technically obese.
After graduating college, I moved to a new city. The first two years or so in my new city lead to some great changes, health-wise. The jobs I had required me to be on my feet and moving round for long shifts, I was usually riding a bike or taking public transportation to work, and I also began a running program. I eventually fell in love with running for the physical and mental benefits. I trained hard. I got to the point where I was able to run 11, 12, 13 miles. I was mostly eating healthy also, and the weight just shed off. I lost the 50 pounds I had gained back and then some. I was feeling great and on top of everything. I started graduate school feeling really healthy and so proud of myself for what I was able to do.
Then, I got into my first relationship, got complacent, and fell off the wagon, again. I gained ALL the weight back, and then some. I remember getting on the scale one day and seeing 280 pounds and just hating myself for letting myself go. I remember the first time I felt my stomach touch my arms while sitting down. I had never been this big before, I had never been able to feel my stomach against my arms while seated. I feel into a deep depression because of this. Eventually my relationship ended (but not because of the weight) and shortly after, I got into another relationship. I never worked on myself between relationships. The depression was still there, and the weight was definitely still there.
Last summer, that relationship also ended and I started turning to all the wrong places (drive-thrus) for comfort again. It should surprise no one that my weight shot again, to the point that I saw a number that started with 3 on the scale. So for the past 5 or so years, I've been carrying all this extra weight and the physical and mental detriment it has had on me cannot be overstated. I just felt so trapped, like I was unable to climb out of my situation. My anxiety and depression would complicate everything.
Well I have finally decided that now is the time to snap out of it. I am truly tired of carrying all this extra weight, and there is no reason to feel trapped when I know exactly what I need to do to get out of this, and I have to tools in my toolkit, because I've done it before. I am ready to show the world the real me, the person that I know I am on the inside. I started eating really healthy this week and incorporating a great exercise regimen. I immediately noticed the mental health benefits of eating well. The simple truth is that junk food makes you feel like junk. For exercise, I am getting back into running again. I'm much, much slower than I used to be, but that's ok. At least I am doing it. Despite my 292 pounds, I choose to have a positive outlook on things. Since I am so overweight, just by sticking to eating the right foods and getting exercise, I know I will already see and feel results quickly. I just need to go through the motions and follow the steps. I no longer feel trapped. I am ready to do this. My hope is that this time, I will really learn how to sustain the weight loss and turn away for good the foods that provide immediate comfort but sabotage my progress. Simply put, I am done being the fat kid.
Thank you for reading my admittedly very long post. This group is amazing and I can't wait to learn more from you all and to share my progress with you. I wish you all the best on your journeys. We can do this!
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/oq6vik/this_time_im_ready/
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