Raise your hands if you have or do struggle with your weight. Guilty as charged here. Food has been the bandaid for my emotional pain since forever. I first start comfort eating when I was a mere toddler. My whole life I have yo-yo dieted. Starvation, eating disorders, binge eating, fasting. You name it and I have done it.
Trauma does funny things to people. One gets stuck in self destructive loops, feeling completely out of control and helpless. You are outside your body, watching yourself do these things you know are not good for you. But self-care and self-loathing cannot exist simultaneously. When life is spiralling out of control and eating is the only source of quick pleasure in my life, how do I stop abusing myself with junk food? It is a coping mechanism.
It never fails to astonish me that we shame fat people and ask them to eat less, without trying to understand the root cause of the problem. No one gets massive just because they love how food tastes, even the ones who are in denial deep down are just trying to survive with the pain. Empathy and kindness is needed, even if we are the only ones who can show it to ourselves.
I have fluctuated between two extremes usually, either binges which last months and balloon me up, or extreme diets where I eat less than 1100 calories a day, force myself to do endless cardio and starve to lose weight. Yo-yo up and down all the time. On one end weak and skinny, fainting with hunger. On the other end, shame fuelled massive binges. Never sanity or maintenance.
I have been lifting weights for a year now. Perhaps the kindest thing I did for my body and mental health. People often extol the virtues of exercise in any form, but I want to talk about the benefits of lifting weights in the hope that I can help other women here. Nothing has helped my mental health as much.
I never did weight training prior to this, as I was afraid of getting too big or too muscular. I had to really dig deep down to try and understand why. I realised that I did not want to occupy public space. Getting smaller and skinnier was my subconscious attempt to hide, to become invisible. I would speak quietly and keep quiet in social situations. I would walk with my head down and avert my eyes. My body screamed to leave me alone and let me disappear. Predators absolutely love that.
There is a certain mind-shift that happens as one gets stronger. As my body has become more muscular, I have grown confidence. I occupy space now. I look people in the eyes and speak up. I used to get harassed so much and now not so much. I feel a certain peace and comfort in my skin, like I belong and matter.
There are obviously other benefits. Clothes fit better. My relationship with food is getting healthier, nowadays I eat how much I want and whatever I want. I have increased self esteem and self compassion. I am not neglecting myself anymore. The shame and self loathing has been replaced with positive emotions.
My therapist told me that she suggests exercises that build muscle, especially weight training to all trauma survivors or women who have been abused. It works wonders when you don't feel so helpless or out of control. When I go out in public now, I am not so sacred. I believe that this body can defend me if threat arises again.
This message is for those of you who deal with inner darkness and feel afraid and weak all the time. Try weight training. It has helped me so much and I want to help other women( and men) too. Start small. The race is long but you will reach there one day. We all deserve to love our bodies and live with peace within.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/omkhme/lifting_weights_has_helped_me_put_my_inner_demons/
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