(* because I have never been diagnosed, I don’t want my use of the word to be seen as insensitive)
TW: very sensitive eating disorder related topics..
I (23F) have always struggled with my weight, I was chubby growing up, then slimmed down from 12-17ish, then ever since I have gradually gained around 100lbs (my natural weight from age 13-15 was 138lbs, my weight this time last year was around 241lbs, i am now 206lbs). I went from 241 to 206 in about 2-3 months from heavily restricting my diet, starving myself for 1-2 days at a time, running, purging (vomiting and laxatives). It started off as a strict diet, but the self hatred just fuelled the fire and it just kept burning. I eventually stopped those bad habits purely out of fear because I had been fluctuating between the same 10lbs for a month or so, I’d obviously damaged my metabolism so heavily at that point my body held onto everything it had.
My question is very complex, I really hope someone out there can stick out this post and try to help me or give some advice. How can I lose weight and hopefully get to a healthier size, similar to what I was comfortable and healthy as (145lbs max / I am 5’4) without letting this disordered demon take over? It’s an issue I’ve struggled with for as long as I can remember, way back to school years of throwing my sandwiches for lunch into the bin every day. I have adhd so it is really hard to focus on things and not become obsessed, so calorie counting is really difficult, but I struggle with the carefree aspect some people have of just eating ‘healthier’ and seeing what changes, the idea of that produces a lot of stress in me if I don’t know the exact numbers of my efforts.
Another thing I’d like advice on, which is the more complex bit; How do I care about being healthy? Let me explain the question first: I, in all honesty which I’m ashamed of, only want to be ‘skinny’ to feel better about how I look. Especially from being someone who was a uk size 8-10 (I have always had high muscle body mass, I looked smaller than I weighed) to someone who is now size 16ish. It would be nice to not get out of breath doing some activities, sure. But I know I am lying to myself when I try and convince myself I want to lose weight to be healthier. Is it a dooming obstacle that I have this mentality? How how how do I change it? Please, I cannot find anything about advice on this topic, but it’s so severely important in my opinion. I am a fat girl who wants to lose weight so I don’t hate myself as much, so I can stop covering my chin with my t shirt when i lie down, so I can sit on a picnic bench with my friends and not worry if the table moves, so I can be in a public space and not be constantly assessing who is looking at me and thinking “she is fat, so she is ugly”. How can you make yourself care about health first and image second?
I’m sincerely sorry if anything included in my post is harming for anyone to read, I just need to be upfront about my mental stare regarding this because it’s so impossible to find sources and people who know what you’re talking about, or can even help! sending love ❤️
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/ojtct5/how_can_i_lose_weight_without_becoming_disordered/
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