Everyone had warned me about freshman 15, that packaged unhealthy food which is readily available, a very bad sleep cycle and particularly in 2020, the completely online mode of classes would ensure that I gain hella weight and don't even care about it because who do I have to meet anyway? I didn't care, because I didn't really foresee how easy it would be to put on those 15 lbs and then some.
What I also failed to foresee was that I would become severely depressed, lonely and emotionally unstable in my freshman year. Being alone as an international student in a pandemic stricken USA, having my only American friend ditch me and block me and academic difficulty pushed me into a vicious cycle of crying, sleeping, eating, sleeping and waking up to do it all over again the next day. Food was my solace and my shame. I would sometimes feel nauseated at how much I was eating but I couldn't stop. I would finish a jar of nutella by myself in two days, and eat pizza for breakfast, lunch AND dinner. Soda became my water, and every day you would see me in my room, sitting blankly on my bed surfing youtube for something to see, conveniently ignoring piles of my work and finally going to sleep because of thoughts which made enjoying anything at all impossible.
It was the worst ten months of my life.
I came home depressed as well. At my highest I weighed 174 lbs, and I remember feeling lightheaded when I saw that number. Never in my life have I been slim or fit or whatever but I had never been this heavy. Looking at myself in the mirror disgusted me, and I thought that my body truly reflected the state of my mind at that point. Coming home 37 lbs heavier, with substandard grades and hardly any social interaction for eight months, I felt like a loser. My life had officially reached its nadir.
But time does heal all wounds. Time, and a conscious decision to move on and let go of the things which are beyond your control. I realized that until I became happy, or at least not depressed, I wouldn't have the motivation to do anything positive for myself. So I cried in front of my mother and told my family I had had to go to therapy for the first time in my life, that I was dropping a course I couldn't handle, that I was sad because I missed them and I didn't have friends and I just cried and cried. One month of quiet contemplation and surrounding myself with those who actually cared about me helped a lot, and without realizing when, I made my way out of the depression sinkhole I had fallen into.
And then came this subreddit. I discovered so many people with struggles so much more arduous than mine, and I saw people overcoming the absolute worst through sheer willpower and hard work and I decided I wanted to be one of them. Since making that decision, I have lost more than 15 pounds, and it feels like the literal weight of sadness has left me. Like all my bad decisions and moments of weakness have been undone. I feel like now that I am free of the weight I gained when I was busy being depressed, I can work for my improvement. I know 15 lbs is not a very huge victory, but I am proud of myself, and so grateful for everyone here who chooses to practice restraint and love themselves every single day, because you inspire me to do the same.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/ojwyi2/depression15/
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