i (f20) am 5’6, and recently hit 200 pounds for the first time 2 weeks ago after getting back from vacation. the week following i was able to get down to 192 pounds, and now back to 194 pounds. i’m in an endless cycle of starving myself for days, then binge eating, then feeling miserable, then eating healthy and controlled for a day or two, then repeat. i always end up losing a few pounds, gaining it back, repeat.
some back story is that i’ve always been somewhat overweight my whole life. from a young age til around 15 i was maybe like 10 pounds overweight. since 15-16 years old my weight has just gone up and up without me realizing it. even now i don’t feel like i’m the weight i am until someone takes a photo of me and i see that i look way worse than i look when i’m looking in the mirror. today i went to an event and saw a picture of myself afterwards and was shocked at how bad i look and now i’m determined to lose the weight, but at the same time i just know i’ll repeat the above cycle for the 109299229929 time.
in oct/nov 2019 i had my biggest weight lost ever by going from like 185 pounds to 160 pounds. i started it all by water fasting for 3 days, and then it was easier and easier to lose weight after that. i was maintaining 160ish and felt amazing until march this year when quarantine started and since quarantine i went from the 160ish to what i am now. i’m at the point where i try to avoid leaving the house as much as possible because i’m so insecure of how i look. even if i wanted to leave the house it’s a 2 hour process to try on everything in my closet and try to find something that will look somewhat decent. my outfits have to consist of pants or leggings that cover all of my legs because i’m so insecure of my cellulite and stretch marks and a shirt or sweater that cover at LEAST til my elbows bc i’m so insecure of my arm fat (yes even in the summertime). but then i go wherever i’m going and am just miserable the entire time becayse i know i look so bad and i’m scared everyone is looking at me. it doesn’t help that i live in a state where it seems like all the girls my age are skinny and have perfect bodies and wear booty shorts and whatever they want while i’m here looking like an absolute mess.
all of this is affecting my mental health badly too. i already have depressive and anxiety tendencies but since my weight gain they’ve gotten so much worse. staying in the house all the time definitely doesn’t help either. i have a lot of friends but i’m slowly losing some because i never hang out with them since they go boating, shopping, etc. which i cant do because i wouldn’t know what to wear and i’d be miserable being seen in whatever i did wear anyways.
i’m also about to be a junior in college & i requested for all my classes to go online in the fall semester. not even because i’m worried about covid but because i don’t want to be seen by anyone at my college while i’m this overweight. in fall semester 2019 when i was 160 pounds i had so much fun with friends, going out with boys, partying, going out as much as possible. now i cant even let myself be seen at school period. in fact thinking about going to class looking like this makes me want to throw up. i’ve considered taking the semester off and staying with my aunt who lives in a different state but it’s too late to unenroll at this point.
as i mentioned above, i do binge eat a lot, and it’s like i can’t control it. i’ve never been diagnosed but i feel like there’s a chance i do have binge eating disorder. i also hate exercise because i get tired so easily. i don’t even know if it’s healthy how easy i run out of breath, but it causes me to not exercise a lot. on average i do a home workout off youtube maybe like 1-2 times every 2 weeks. a gym membership also isn’t an option because i know my anxiety wouldn’t be able to handle it.
sorry this is so long, i just felt like i needed to get everything out. my mental state is just going more and more downhill everyday so i felt like i needed something even if it’s just posting this online. i’ve never spoke about my weight to anyone in real life before. i cant even tell my parents who i’m extremely close to that i feel bad about my weight or anything because i can’t admit to anyone in person that i’m fat (i know it doesn’t make sense bc it’s obvious to everyone i’m fat but it makes my mental health drop even thinking about discussing my weight with anyone in person even if i trust them like my parents) therefore any advice is welcome. thanks for reading if you read this whole thing.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/ian82o/im_going_crazy/
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