I can't really pinpoint the moment in my life I became obese..but I know it was young.
I was a super active kid and in my teens relatively active aswell. I played varsity soccer and spent most of my time helping my family garden and farm.
But I knew around 6th grade I was heavier. The summer before I started high school I vowed to find a way to become slimmer like eveyone else. I ran ...hundreds.. of laps around my parents property while they were at work during the day. I tried to go days without eating. Situps in my room after bedtime...pushups..crunches..
I just wanted to not be heavy..I wanted to not be heavy so freaking much.. but summer ended and I started high school overweight.
I can tell you I wore a hooded sweatshirt EVERY single day of school no matter if it was 100+ degrees with North Carolina humidity or what...I felt safer and I felt hidden.
I can tell you that until summer of 2019 I had never worn a pair of shorts in public that I can recall.
I can tell you that my depression over my weight hung so heavily over my head back then.
Fast forward to my mid twenties and you'll find that I found some refuge online. People, in most cases, didn't know nor care I was overweight. I found enough refuge that it's what I clung to most of my life. No going to clubs and bars, no party's, no wild trips with friends. I can't say I fully regret it because I have made some outstanding lifelong friends in my time living through the internet.
I feel sad for my 25 year old self looking back...she deserved the memories everyone else made..she deserved so much more than I gave her. I punished myself so much for so long.
In 2018 the person who I had spent a good deal of my adult life with walked out because I asked them to get a job and help contribute to our bills..heartless of me I know.
That was the worse part of my self punishment, I allowed myself to think I needed to do whatever it took to keep my significant other around..even if it meant working two job while I finished college..while he was jobless. I told myself I needed to show him I cared because there were few others who would look past my appearance and give me a chance.
In 2018 I decided I was tired of myself and the self hate I carried in every pound.
I consulted a nutritionist and doctors and we made a plan..we made many plans....meal plans..fasting plans..nutrition classes...cooking classes.
I made my first adult friend in cooking class.
I had setbacks (i.e. my ex decided to come back and leave around 50 to a million times and I was a fool)
I had bad days...I specifically ate all the marshmallows out of my roomies lucky charms because I NEEDED sugar in a moment of weakness. I know that's unforgivable in most cases but they saw past it and forgave.
I had to hire a trainer to teach me how to use the equipment at the gym.
And at the end of the day I still fight self hate...I still see flaws in my mirror..I still get rushes of depression that I have to fight off.
The physical battle wasn't nearly as hard as the mental battle.
I am Kali, I am 160lbs lighter than my 2018 self.
I am good enough to be loved by myself and those in my life and my weight doesn't determine that and never should have.
SW: 325 CW: 165 Goal: be ok with me, and make memories no matter my size.
https://imgur.com/a/SM8jON5 progress pic
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/ie9ocu/160lbs_lighter_but_the_mental_battle_is_much/
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