Stopped counting calories and blew up!

I (28f) have struggled with body image issues and disordered eating since about 14. The past 5 years I’ve religiously counted calories and exercised (I’ve counted calories on and off since 17 but was in deep these past 5 years). Ive debatably have had my fair share of eating disorder bouts. My mom like many 90’s moms has her own body image / eating issues she’s handed off to me. I finally was seeing a counselor, taking anxiety medicine and feeling on track enough to finally start combatting my disordered eating and exercise. I was inspired by lots of anti diet anti diet culture accounts and movements. So I tried myself to intuitively eat and let go of my disordered eating…and of course my worse fear happened I BLEW UP. I’ve gained about around 40 pounds in a year, I’m mortified. My clothes don’t fit and I feel chubby. I’m trying not to go back to counting calories and do that the rest of my life and want to be more body positive and intuitive but I also can’t stand my overweight body. I can’t tell if counting calories is that wrong or if being overweight is. HELP

submitted by /u/Hot_Bite_2827
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/pj96ux/stopped_counting_calories_and_blew_up/