Dude... I’m tired
I’m so fucking tired.
I’m not the heaviest I’ve ever been. Once upon a time I weighed closer to 450. But for the first time in my life I’m feeling my weight.
In July I was in hospital because my heart was racing and irregular. I was diagnosed with Atrial Fibrillation. I had a scan on my heart and it showed that it was healthy, but larger than it should be.
I woke up this morning with pain in my left arm. Not because I’m having a heart attack, but because I ate like shit last night and my acid reflux presents with pain and numbness in my left arm.
My hip hurts. I’m not sure why, but I think it’s just from the pressure my body is putting on itself.
I am so, so tired.
It has to stop. I’m 34 years old. My joints ache like a 70+ year old. I’ve never climbed a set of stairs without getting out of breath.
My weight is affecting my relationship now. It’s dulled my sex drive. I don’t feel attractive to my partner, despite her assertions that it doesn’t matter to her. I believe her, but I can’t see past myself.
I dress in jeans and t-shirts because I buy what fits, not what I want to wear. I don’t have any nice clothes.
I want to live. I want to enjoy life. I don’t want to wake up with pains any more. I don’t want to keep living with the aches, the upset stomachs, the ever pending sword of Damocles that is heart disease or diabetes which will come to me if I don’t sort my shit out.
This is day one. At 2am, in a fit of self loathing I resolved to do something about it. I paid for a sub to Noom. I’d heard good things and I figured if I’m paying (a lot) for the service, I’m gonna fucking use it.
I need to rebuild my relationship with food. Stop comfort eating when I’m low, make better choices, ban myself from ordering takeaways, drink less whisky. I need to get moving. I work as a database developer and my primary hobbies are reading or gaming, so I’m about as sedentary as a person gets.
I need to live. I don’t want to die early. I’m so scared about so many things in this world, I don’t want to miss the beauty of life because I’m too fucking fat to live beyond 45.
This is my accountability. I’ve set a reminder in my calendar to post every Friday. I’m not sure if that’s allowed, but I hope it is. I want to experience every SV and NSV as best I can. But I need support. My girlfriend is amazing and I know I’ll have her support, but I need help from the experienced people, I need the guidance from those who have lost the equivalent of a whole person from their bodies.
I hope this is the start of the end for my fat self.
TL;DR - ultra heavy, fucking sick of it.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/jgkisd/today_is_day_one_cw409_gw210_h61_m34/
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