Trigger warning : eating disorders
I'm using an alt account for this.
A few years ago I discovered calorie counting using the MFP app. I was 200lb and 5"5 and hated how I looked and how I felt about myself. No idea how I managed to stick to it, but I began at around 1200 - 1300 calories a day.
I realised how well it worked. I had a sedentary job, hated excersise of any form. It was perfect. But then I thought, if I lose this much in this space of time eating 1300 calories, just imagine how much faster the weight would fall off if I ate 1,100?!
And then I was restricting to 1000. Then 950. Then it was 800.
People were amazed. I lapped up the compliments. Even when I hit my goal weight, it wasn't enough. I even allowed cheat meals, but I wouldn't eat all day just so I could not feel guilty about the meal.
Then, if I felt I ate too much, I'd make myself sick. My lowest weight was just under 120lbs. I was proud of my achievements but I still wasn't happy. I'd been the fat kid my whole life and I finally wasn't but it still wasn't enough.
It never dawned on me that this might not be sustainable. And eventually, I began allowing myself to eat more. And more. And then i developed a problem with binge eating. I'd be hungry and then it's like I'd blink and I'm suddenly surrounded by crisp packets, chocolate wrappers, an empty Nutella jar. I would try and purge it out. Eventually I stopped bothering and just binged.
So I went back to my starting weight, plus a bit more. And stayed there for a year or so. I kept going back to MFP but counting just made me constantly think about food. I'd look at a packet of crisps and think, can I afford this? I wouldn't even particularly want them, but if I could fit them in, I would eat them. And then suddenly it's lunch time and I've only got 500 calories left for dinner, which wouldn't be made for a few hours, so I'd just go over my allowance for the day.
I'm now ten months post partum. I let myself eat whatever I wanted when I was pregnant. It was a rough pregnancy so I thought I'd treat myself. No idea what I gained because I never checked. I promised myself once the baby was here that I'd sort myself out and make healthier choices and go back to MFP.
Every time I go back to it, I fail. I'll last two or three days of keeping to 1500 - 1600 calories a day, just to get in the habit of it. It's always around day three or four that I fail and go over. Or I don't count. Or we order takeaway, which I think we have an addiction to.
But I feel indoctrined into MFP or calorie counting. Like I've been brainwashed into thinking it is the only surefire way to lose weight. I know every diet boils down to CICO, it's the active tracking of the calories that leads me to fail. Also, with a rambunctious ten month old that I'm alone with every day, it's very hard to stop and scan everything I'm about to eat. It makes me miserable. And now the baby is finally getting the hang of solids and eating full meals, I want to set the best example I can by providing and eating nutritious food.
How do I even do that? I do a lot of walking, maybe about six hours worth a week. Cheaper than getting the bus and the baby likes the scenery. But I feel like I've no idea how to lose weight without counting calories. One positive is I've noticed when I'm just listening to my body, I eat less often. With calorie counting I feel like i have to shove everything in to meet some sort of quota, but at the same time, not meet that quota, so I'm at a deficit. A second positive is that I'm actually now 195lbs. Woohoo.
Sorry about the rant. I've been feeling very low and disgusted at myself.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/116qnb7/actively_counting_calories_doesnt_work_for_me/
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