I have a problem. This isn’t any ordinary problem either. I have struggled with this for years and I don’t see how it could get any better. I was always a pretty chubby girl. I have never been skinny, even as a child. My parents (who I adore) didn’t feed me the best stuff and I never got much exercise. I wasn’t in sports or anything.
Im 19 now and 216 pounds. I started dieting a month ago and managed to lose 7 pounds despite having some rough days and overeating but I am very proud of my progress. But I have gone back to my old ways. The dieting didn’t stick. I have started working to afford my own groceries but these past two weeks I haven’t gone in. I’ve been depressed and not taking care of myself (not showering or getting out of bed) so I have also not cared about what I was eating. My parents didn’t go grocery shopping either and we have been relying on fast food and left overs we have. The thing with our leftovers though is that it’s mainly beans and tortillas. But when they do go shopping they never get anything healthy. I have to remind them to include vegetables in their meals because that’s really not something they ever include. It’s just meat and some rice on the side. And that isn’t unhealthy on its own but they DROWN everything in butter and oil. I feel hopeless. They never listen to me when I tell them we should switch up how we eat. They never will. They think I shouldn’t focus on calories or be so strict on what I eat but I’m really not strict. I just want to eat healthier. Want to include something else in my diet that isn’t rice and beans and tortillas. To eat stuff that isn’t greasy and fat.
I try to talk some sense into myself before I eat something high calorie. Try to look at my chubby arms and tummy. To feel my fat rolls and the way my clothing gets tight in certain places. But that doesn’t always stop me. Even now as I’m writing this and am aware of how gross I look I am craving coffee. And it’s hard not buying it. It’s hard not ordering it online and just having it delivered to my house. Which is pathetic to say because I can just not do it but I lack so much self control.
In the last two weeks while I was in my little depression state I gained back 2 pounds that I worked hard to lose. And it’s hard not crying.
I looked in the mirror today and noticed I have acanthosis nogricans. I don’t know if I’m prediabetic but I know I have it because I’m overweight. It’s only made me feel worse and I want to lose the weight so bad so that it goes away. I have it on the back of my neck and in between my chest. I have stretch marks. I have pimples everywhere. I have no confidence. I know that no man will ever touch me or look at my body with admiration. I am disgusting. I have gross skin. Im not small and feminine. Im big. I really don’t feel like a woman.
I try to tell myself that losing weight takes time and I know it does. I know that I’ll relapse and over eat some days and that I can just try again the next day but what happens when suddenly I become diabetic? Or get some other serious health issues? How can I take it slow when I’m hurting myself. Maybe I’m using eating as a form of self harm. Cause I know how bad it is for me but I do it anyway.
I hear that people who don’t have self control and have a bad relationship with food should go to therapy but what do I even say? What do I do to make it better? I’ve mentioned to my therapist before that my relationship with food isn’t the best but it never is something she asks about. Do I need a dietician? I wish I could admit myself into a place where they give me all my meals and don’t allow me to eat anything else. I feel like I can’t trust myself. And no one ever listens to me when I say I’m struggling. They just say “you’re doing good” but I don’t want to hear that. I’m not doing good. I’m overweight. That’s not good..
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/txa5qt/please_someone_listen_to_me/
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