25M, 1.74m, SW:135kg. Content Warning: talk about anxiety and drug use.
First of all, hello, and thanks for taking the time to read this.
I've tried to talk about this before with someone, but I have a huge shame issue with everything regarding my health (to the point that I'm only physically able to type these words because I'm high and my anxiety is nearly nullified, and even now I'm feeling insecure about this whole thing) so I don't really feel brave enough to talk to the doctor about this or ask anyone in real life. But maybe someone here can help, and I've seen that long posts do well in here so it might be worth a shot.
I was told that my experience with binge eating was not normal a couple years ago, precisely in this subreddit. See, sometimes I do actually binge eat because I'm bored. But that's not the majority of the times. I've tried CICO before, I've worked out, I both love to cook and enjoy to eat lots of healthy food. I honestly put in the effort. And it worked, for a while. To this day I have a shirt that I can never wear because I bought it at my thinnest and despite it feeling huge at the time I can't even get the button straps to touch anymore. The thing is, I get an irrational compulsion when I spend too long without binging. Imagine that you're lying on bed and suddenly feel your body start getting covered by spiders crawling up and down every inch of your skin and every second there's more spiders and you're starting to lose your breath and also your heart starts beating harder and faster and your brain cannot focus and if you smell a carb a voice from within your throat starts screaming and howling, demanding to eat that, and it won't stop and it's taking all over your body and the only way it stops is when you drink a litre of Coke straight from the fridge or eat a huge piece of bakery or swallow every potato in a gallon pot of chicken stew meant for 12 meals. And no matter how hard you try the only way you can get it to stop is to ingest an ungodly toxic amount of sugar. At your healthiest, you're still battling it every time you leave your room and at your lowest point, you cannot stop it from possessing you and taking over your body until you satiate it and the guilt is killing you, like a young Christian preteen that just discovered masturbation and is trying very hard not to go to hell.
So I have asked about it multiple times in here and it appears that people only binge eat because of habit or gluttony or self-harm, and what happens to me is not normal at all, or at least the 4 or 5 formerly fat people who've answered to me seem to think so and would look at me weird if I explained it to them in person. Which is another reason why I don't like to talk about it, because I feel like nobody would ever believe me and would just judge me like my rich friends who think I'm poor because I'm lazy despite me starting to work years before them. And I already have to fight the shame of going to the dentist before the pain outweighs it and swore off therapy forever after I got ghosted for the second appointment so I feel like at least in this I should get some peace. So I have basically been indulging it because it's too much mental anguish to deal with every waking moment and some sleeping ones.
Anyway, on December I started smoking weed for the first time and realised recently that not only do I not get the famous munchies everyone talks about (at least relative to my default setting), but also that it's easier to fight the urge when I'm high. Maybe it's not gone, but it's quieter. I can ignore it more easily. I do end up indulging every once in a while, but it's not desperate, and I don't feel the tremendous guilt afterwards. So everything is easier, both for good and for bad. I don't smoke too much or too often, partly because my job requires me to be lucid and partly because I'm an aspie and everything hits me harder so I try to control myself. I do enjoy healthy eating, and I take swimming classes that I also love even though I'm bad at it (although funnily enough weed has also helped me loosen up some muscles that are permanently cramped because of my extra weight), so it's not that I can't or won't try to do it the honest way, it's just that I've tried and failed many times and it's horribly demoralising to start every week with a positive attitude and a bag full of healthy food and not even go through half of it before gorging on baked sweets like it's crack cocaine and then internally crying myself to sleep about it.
So because of the godforsaken quarantine my current living situation is this: I am out of swimming class, I've got a fridge packed with food and a kitchen to do what I want with it a few feet from my bedroom (I have to walk by it to go literally anywhere else). I've also got enough pot to stay continuously high for the entire month, even though that's neither my plans nor something I would look forward to under any other circumstance because I appreciate my clarity of mind too much even though the peace it gives me to be high is awesome. This is going to be a constant for at least the next 30 days, and who knows how much longer. So my question is: Has anyone ever succeeded at using weed to lose weight beyond their normal capabilities, and if so, would it be right of me to try it? If such a person exists, how did you go about it, and would you recommend it for me? Or am I just a poor lunatic on the path to addiction and I should stop consuming it immediately? I genuinely want to make the best choice for my health, but for the first time ever I wouldn't necessarily have to choose between my physical and my mental health, at least not as drastically as before. Is it even okay of me to ask this?
I apologise if there's anything in here that might appear as offensive to anyone, I genuinely wrote it high as fuck and my social awareness is already lacking by default so please understand that everything here is based off my own personal experiences and I did not intend to insult anyone. I couldn't even write this sober, I've been trying for days, and I gotta post it before the high wears off and I chicken out. Any and all advice is appreciated. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this, I will be respectful of all your comments and do the same.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/fmt734/serious_has_anyone_successfully_used_weed_to/
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