How do I stop being obsessed with food? (Anorexia to overweight).

I can lose weight. So well, in fact, that I was hospitalized for anorexia (and probably orthorexia to an extent) a few years back. I maintained a decently low weight (161cm, 45-48kg) for a good a year or so. And then I lost it all, starting a year ago. I ballooned up to 71kg. Not so fat I can't function by any means, but I am uncomfortably unhealthy and essentially living and breathing junk food.

Honestly, I'm almost happier the way I am now, having total freedom. Still for longterm health, happiness and financial reasons, I know I need to change.The thing is, if I eat within a reasonable calorie intake, with reasonable portions, all I can think about is food and upcoming meal times. Just like when I had anorexia, and for the year I stayed fit and thin after that. My days were controlled by food. I lived for it. I would spend 45 minutes eating just one sandwich so I felt at least slightly satisfied. It didn't matter what I was doing; food was rarely not on my mind.

I'm scared to go back to the way I was before, but it seems like I default back every time I try to change. So I cave, and I eat the junk food, and it frees me mentally. I always say "I'll start tomorrow", but of course tomorrow brings the same problems. It's just not what I want anymore. It's been going on for a year and I can't live like this forever, but it seems I can't live any other way either.

I'm sure this will happen all over again if I start eating reasonably and lose weight, because honestly it takes too much discipline to constantly ignore my incessant thoughts. Still, it's what I want - I just need to understand how to do it without being tormented by my own mind for the rest of life.

Am I doomed to be unhappy no matter what I do, constantly obsessing over food? Have I, in my year or so of anorexia, put it on such a pedestal that I can never go back? Regardless of how my life has changed over the years, one thing always remains: food has played far too much of a part in my life, every day. I want to live a fulfilling life, and I feel like this is something that's holding me back. How do you stop thinking about food? How do I fix myself? I need help.

submitted by /u/icaughtprince
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/fsqwen/how_do_i_stop_being_obsessed_with_food_anorexia/