I’ve been overweight my whole life, I am currently obese according to my BMI but generally I am in the overweight category.
I weighed around 226 this time last year (it may have been more but that’s the highest number I ever saw on the scale.) I did keto for about three months and dropped down to 190 with 30 pounds lost. I stopped keto around then but never gained anything back until I did a few months later.
Cut to October of last year. I’m at 203, and I’m trying to get into the military which has strict weight limits. I do keto again for just a month and a half and drop down from 203 to 172 putting me at 31 pounds lost. That’s the lightest I’ve been in a couple of years.
In November I met someone online and we have since started seriously dating. I was 172 when we met and now I’m around the 180 range. I think that I decided since I didn’t need the military (we have moved in together so I put aside the military thing for the moment) that I could just say screw it and do whatever I wanted. This led me getting back up to 190ish and I have since dropped back down to the 180s.
I have this horrible relationship with food where it is never enough. I always want to eat more. I need more always. And I always say “you’re going to start soon, eat what you can now” and “this is the last time you eat like this” but in reality I never really stop.
I feel like at this point it’s a kind of self harm for me. After I eat all this horrible stuff my body is so bloated, like it’s begging for me to stop and half the time when I do this I get tired and groggy from not providing my body the correct food. I feel horrible and ashamed that I treat my body this way but I continue to do it because I feel like I have to do it “one last time” before I finally get my act together and lose the weight and treat my body correctly.
My philosophy here is I’ve done it before, I can do it again, but I still needed to share what is on my mind. It’s been like this with food for years now and I finally want to put an end to it.
When I first lost the 36 pound this subreddit really helped me and have me inspiration. I hope that I can come back to this post in six months and see that I have accomplished something that I really wanted to do.
I don’t know if I’ll ever have a good relationship with food unless I’m restricted, which worries me greatly as doing keto for the rest of my life may not be the best option. But maybe I can figure it out.
Today I stand at 5’4” and 182 pounds, I just ate bad food and I am really really hoping it is my last time.
Thanks to everyone here for your stories, for sharing your good days and bad days and for being an inspiration to all of us starting again.
[link] [comments]
source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/ff6e49/i_feel_like_a_mess/
No comments:
Post a Comment