Today is the day I need to be honest with myself

I have been lying to myself for the longest time and it seems like today I have had it with myself.

I am mad at myself for letting myself go. I use my social anxiety as an excuse to be me. I know that I have gained a lot of weight, I feel uncomfortable with my own body. I don't feel comfortable wearing the clothes that I used to wear, even my leggings that I'd wear whenever I'd gain weight isn't comfortable to wear anymore.

That being said, I know what my problems are. I know what to do, how to solve my issues. But I do not have the will to do it. I don't want to get up in the morning to go work out. I don't want to stop eating what I currently eat. I want to keep drinking what I currently drink. I am now a fat fuck and I am not happy. I feel like I've been lying to myself whenever I think to myself that I can still lose weight. No, I don't feel it. I am lying to myself all along. My 'confidence' is fake. I try to pretend that I am happy with who I am and what I have become, but in reality, I am not. I hate myself. I hate waking up every morning and seeing myself in the mirror. I don't know who to reach out to because I feel like people are going to judge me. I don't like going to the doctor either because I am too embarrassed to talk about everything that I've become.

I want to be better than who I am now. I want to change, but I don't know how. And I'm not entirely sure if I have the willpower to. I don't understand why I'm like this. I want to understand why I am the way I am. Do I not deserve to look good and feel good? Why does my brain fight myself? How do I even fight being 'lazy'? How do you even start fighting with yourself?

I am tired of myself. I don't want to keep letting go.

submitted by /u/cluelessAly
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/fnzyvk/today_is_the_day_i_need_to_be_honest_with_myself/