Hey, 24 year old (trans nonbinary, assigned female at birth). So! I semi-recently have discovered that I have complex-ptsd. It has solved a lot of mysteries for me, and has been really helpful to know. I have a lot of trauma surrounding my weight/appearance-- and have been fixated on it since I can remember. It is a lot better than a few years ago, though. Back then my body dysmorphia was so bad that I felt like I couldnt even leave my house. I dont know what changed, but nowadays I'm a lot less fixated on my appearance. Still-- binge eating seems to be my top choice of coping mechanisms--and I've been through a lot of stress lately, so I've gained maybe 20lbs in a few months (now at about 225lb, 5'8". It might not seem like a lot but when I was feeling healthy and fit I was at about 140lb). I feel insecure being intimate with people, and most of my pants dont fit. My goal isnt to be mega thin. I just want to feel healthy again. Especially right now with COVID stuff I'm feeling so dead inside and literally just eating cereal and oreos because I'm so depressed. I want to go on a bike ride soon but I'm worried that since I havent exercised in so long that it will just hurt and I'll feel out of breath and end up feeling really self-loathing. My inner monologue is pretty much "you lazy piece of shit why cant you be good enough. Why cant you take care of yourself." I know this comes from my trauma but I dont know how to deal with it yet. Eating sweets and junk food gives me a sense of comfort but is also followed by the same inner monologue. I've mostly just been laying in bed. My body is sore from not moving enough. I just want to feel healthy again but I'm so, so damn worried that I'll just end up being so distraught at the state of my body (which will directly remind me of how much control my trauma has over my life) that I will just give up again and go back to avoiding it. I know that if I stay on this path I will not only keep gaining weight but my overall health will also degrade. I am worried and scared and feel hopeless. I am hoping there is maybe someone out there with some advice or perhaps someone who has conquered something similar. I really appreciate it.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/fknno8/anyone_with_ptsdmental_illness_have_success/
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