I wanted to share something I'm going through, maybe I'll find some shared experiences, maybe someone else will need to hear it:
I've been losing for 5 years. I think the graph speaks for itself.
See that tiny tail down at the end? I've been hitting my kcal goals every day. Very easily too. Easiest it's ever been. And I don't know if this is good or bad, it just is.
About 4 days ago, I just stopped having my normal cravings and appetite. At first I wondered if I was sick when I noticed hours passing before I realized it was time to eat; the real reason is probably psychological. It started with a therapy session and a bit of a mental break down.
I explained to my therapist how I feel I'm not pretty enough, short enough, skinny enough. And retelling about the years of bullying from school peers and family alike about my weight, lead her to say that's unacceptable. No one had ever said to me that the bullying wasn't deserved, and that it was wrong to be treated like that.
Hell, I wasn't even fat as a kid. I didn't become obese till my adult years.
I was told to imagine hugging myself, myself being the little kid who had not one adult in her life to reassure her about her body image. The practice is uncomfortable and difficult. I'm not good with kids, but I can't treat her the way I treat myself. Whenever I get emotional I think about what she has to say and what she needs to hear.
So having these mental conversations with a more honest, more emotional version of myself I spiralled hard into questions about why I was losing weight in the first place. Who am I trying to appease? What do I want?
And it turned out I wanted to get skinnier to look cuter (not sexy, not handsome, not beautiful, not healthy, just cute). I really was a cute kid, but I was and am very tall, and for a little kid who wanted to be seen as "girly" that can be a surprisingly hard thing to navigate.
I thought cuteness or "girly-ness" was something I didn't get to have. And being skinny would give it back to me because being fat was the barrier. Fat was the reason I felt bad and was treated bad. Not all the shitty social pressures, media, and people in my life.
It was so bad I gave up many of my dreams because I didn't think I looked right for it. I still became a performer, but there were some sections of showbiz I chose not to tread into ("pretty voice needs a pretty face" is a disgusting practice that exists to this day).
Well, now I don't know about that. I don't know if I can lose weight for anybody else. I don't know if I want to stay out of those places in the biz.
What I want is to not be judged for my personal style, to not be hated or disrespected for anything to do with my appearance. I wanna put on my cutest outfit and feel like it looks good NOW at 165lbs, and would have been good at 239lbs too!
Part of appetite loss is from obsessively practicing all the things I shelved and looking into how I want to arrange the aesthetic choices in my life. Another is low mood, from being disappointed from how far behind I am on my oldest dreams.
I think another part is seeing how I can fill my life with other things. It's definitely trope-y and cheesy but there's a bit of a hole in my heart, and I'm starting to find other things to fill it that aren't eating.
Thanks for reading my rant. I don't know this low-appetite will last forever, but it's been eye opening. It anybody has similar experiences I'd love to hear them! Please don't be shy, it would mean the world to me.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/macnco/finally_brought_up_my_selfimage_in_therapy_5/
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