I’m terrified. I’m out of control again, and I’m terrified. The thing that I thought would no longer happen - the thing that I thought I had figured out - is happening, and it feels like I haven’t figured out anything at all.
What I thought I had figured out (after years of therapy and self-reflection) is this: the way my body learned to unhealthily express fear and anger is to eat past fullness, overeat less nutritious foods, order takeout even when there is food at home that can be cooked, spend money on non-food items that I don’t immediately need and can’t afford, and wake up in the middle of the night for hours at a time. I believed that by learning how to express these emotions in a healthy way (for me this means telling someone about my fears and hurts, and accepting their support - oh, and a good scream also does me a world of good), that the irresistible urge to do those behaviors would go away. And it was working! I was effortlessly cooking and eating mostly-nutritious food while able to enjoy the occasional treat in what I consider a very healthy and peaceful way. I was barely ordering takeout or doing any other unnecessary spending. I was cooking all the time. I was sleeping relatively well most of the time. My body reflected all of this. Since the summer I have lost quite a bit of weight without any mental or emotional strain: no self-imposed restrictions of any kind, but simply honoring my body’s hunger and craving cues- even when the cravings were for less-nutritious food. Since those cues were not coming from an emotional place, I was naturally eating what I assume were appropriate portions for my body. I thought I had found the elusive mental health bullet.
I was wrong.
Now that I’m writing this, I’m not quite so sure I was wrong, but I’ll get to that. Ironically the thing that seems to have triggered this latest round of uncontrollable eating and spending is finally getting a full-time job after two and a half years. You’d think that this would relieve a truck-load of anxieties and make it even easier to eat naturally instead of compulsively. You would be wrong. Getting this new job has opened a Pandora’s box of other anxieties, especially since this new job comes with a 30% salary cut from my last full-time job. I know that was years ago, but I’ve stayed in my home with the hope and belief that a job with a comparable salary was right around the corner. Not only was it over two years away, but it also pays much less money. This means that, unless the good Lord performs some kind of miracle and my landlord lowers my rent (not completely impossible given the times, but also not likely given my landlord’s nature), I need to move at the end of March. Where will I move? Will I need to get a roommate? If so, will that work out well? These are not things I ever anticipated having to worry about at this stage of my life. Then there’s the stress of learning a new job that is especially confusing. I did some contracting work last year and, while I initially put money aside for taxes, I eventually had to use it to cover expenses. I now owe thousands in taxes that I do not have, so I’m supplementing with more contracting work which is causing more anxiety. Over the past few weeks my eating and spending has been more and more out of control. The old behaviors are rearing their monstrous heads even though I’m trying to keep them at bay by talking out the emotions with other people. The terror cherry on this anxiety sundae is being so out of control again in my life and my eating, and watching myself regain weight as a result. It’s amazing how quickly the weight goes back on.
I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it.
I have one more trick up my sleeve, one more silver bullet to deploy, before stripping off all my clothes and diving headfirst into a vat of Turkey Hill rocky road ice cream: talking through all this with my mom. It’s been a while since I talked about my emotional and mental health with her, and I know that not doing so in the past is at the very root of my unhealthy behaviors. I tried to talk to her about it a few days ago, but the conversation had an odd talking-over-each other moment when I tried to broach the topic, and I quickly shut down as is the pattern. I figured that talking it out with friends would be enough. It wasn’t, as is evidence of the amount of compulsive eating I did last night. I need to go to the source. She’s always so supportive when I do, so it’s nuts that it takes so much effort to talk about my negative feeling with her but, again, patterns. I’ll talk to her in the morning (and by “in the morning” I mean later this morning because it’s 3:13 a.m. and I’ve been up for an hour). If that doesn’t naturally restore some peace to my emotions and behaviors, then Turkey Hill here I come. Just kidding...I hope. I realize that I’m putting a lot on one conversation - or perhaps a series of conversations - but if this doesn’t help, I’ll be so sad. It will mean that, for real for real, the cycle has not been broken, and I have been living in blissful self-delusion for the past seven months. I will not give up the fight, though, but I’ll be back at the mental health drawing board. Here’s hoping this is not the case.
If, for whatever reason, you read this whole thing, welcome to the end of my late night ranting. Thank you for sticking with me, and I hope that you are in a place of peace with your own mental health and eating behaviors. If not, I pray you get there soon. I pray we both do.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/llpvsf/nothing_to_see_here_just_the_late_night_rantings/
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