For context, I'm a 22 year old university student in my last year. I graduate in December. I have always had issues surrounding my weight and very low self-confidence and self-esteem. I've been severely critical of myself since I was a child with nearly everything: grades, looks, intelligence, personality, etc. Each year added to my life only resulted in this worsening. I was recently diagnosed with BED and put on medications for it a year ago, but still didn't manage to lose weight. In fact, I gained. The highest I have ever been was just last month at 215 lbs/97.5 kgs and I'm just 5'4"/166cm. I may have gotten higher but that was the highest I saw on the scale. I've been taking summer classes and they consumed pretty much all of my time as I've been staying up way past my usual bedtime and suffering insomnia.
To get to the point, I went to the bathroom today and stared at myself in the mirror for a long time. I have a bad habit of avoiding looking at myself because of the shame I feel, but I did this time. I realized just how badly I've been neglecting myself, not just mentally, but physically. My hair is dry and full of dandruff. My skin is greasy in some areas and so dry it's covered in flakes in others. I never had issues with acne growing up, but I've been failing to care for myself so much since COVID started that I'm covered in acne and scars. My lips are dry and cracked, bleeding from lack of moisture and not drinking enough water. My teeth haven't been touched by a toothbrush in maybe a week. My skin is the same as my lips and shades darker because I haven't showered since whon knows when. I hate seeing myself in front of the mirror when I'm drying off. I hardly get out of bed unless it's absolutely necessary. I genuinely look like a homeless person.
I'm really calling myself out here but like I said, this realization really got to me. How am I supposed to lose weight and feel good about myself when I wake up every day like this? If I were doing this to someone else under my care, I'd be accused of abuse. As badly and desperately as I want to lose weight and as severely as I berate myself for not being able to do so, I never took the time out to really think about how hard it would be for ANYONE to get anything productive done in the circumstances I've placed myself in.
I don't really know where exactly I'm going with this. If anyone reads this and relates, I feel you. I feel you so fucking much. I don't know how to love myself or show myself any compassion. I think today it finally clicked that I need to work on that, as difficult as it may be.
Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this rant. I genuinely hope you succeed in your goals.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/ow52lx/i_just_realized_something_very_important/
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