I think I am at my breaking point. I've been trying to take care of my body, eat better and exercise. I have binge eating disorder and have struggled with it since I was a kid. Mom always played up the "we're so poor, we may have to go without for a while :(" bs and as a result, I was afraid of not having food and often binged/hid food for later. I haven't been thin since I was maybe 12, even then I was more muscle than anything. At 13 I started to get chubby, at 18 I got a job at McDonald's and ballooned, and now every few years it seems like I hit another bump in the road and go up a size. Now I'm right around 244 pounds, severely unhappy, in a lot of physical pain, and my family is not helping.
Tonight my brother came over and was talking with my parents. From my room I could hear that they had started whispering, and my mom was scolding them for talking about me. I went out into the hall to listen to them talk about how fat I am, how I'm going to "end up like (my aunt)" or die, or both, or how I just don't try hard enough. Mom defended me at first and said I was working with doctors, then left and went outside. Dad, who had been defending me against him, started talking about how "greedy" I am with food. Brother was getting angry, talking about the MAXIMUM amount of calories he thinks I need to stay alive.
*No, confronting him doesn't work, he doesn't get ashamed or embarrassed to be humiliating me, he just digs in his heels and says it to my face that I'm disgusting. (My whole family does this, they think it's "constructive" or helpful to tell me that I'm morbidly obese and killing myself.)
My aunt and I have the same eating disorder and we've bonded through our struggle. We've talked before about when she was at her thinnest; she was literally starving herself, only allowed to eat one meal of the same thing every day, working out 4 hours per day, and it was completely unsustainable (and of course after some time, it couldn't be kept up and she gained the weight back.) But my family LOVED her when she was thin. My family is OBSESSED with skinniness. I've talked to my aunt before about my family's obsession, and she agrees with me that they will only be happy with me if I am starving myself and can see bones.
I am once again trying to pick myself up and get going. I've been walking, even though it's painful (New Balance shoes aren't shit; whenever I wear my sneakers it feels like my ankle will break. I ordered some new Saucony sneakers that I hope will be more supportive and not make my ankle feel like it is going to snap.) Those shoes are arriving tomorrow and I WAS really excited to go out in them and try to jog. I haven't been able to run since I was a kid, the most I do is the polite jog across the crosswalk to get out of the way of cars. Now though, I've been learning about running and even looking at 5Ks here in town that I would like to work my way up to. But hearing my family talk about me tonight just feels like a crushing defeat. Like my options are either "stay fat, keep bingeing" or "1200 calories a day"
I want to get better so that I can be healthier and feel better about myself. I don't want to do it just to spite them. I feel like I am at a turning point and I can either get healthy on my own terms, or I will end up falling to their whims and starving myself like I desperately want to tonight out of spite.
Anyone with unsupportive or downright mean family... How do you keep going when it feels like they just hate you, like you will never be enough? I feel like getting into bed and never getting back up.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/gd48yt/i_need_some_strength_to_loseit_despite_my/
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