Hello, r/loseit. I don't normally like making posts very much, but lately I've been feeling very stressed, upset, and generally just down. I'm too scared and ashamed to reach out to my family about this, but I really don't want to keep holding onto this part of me.
I had always been on the slightly bigger side throughout childhood, although I definitely wasn't obese by any means. I never thought about my body as something I needed to pay much attention to until about the 6th grade, and then I plummeted from there. I began to work out as much as I could in my house without my parents pointing it out, but I didn't change my eating habits. It wasn't that I ate bad, just that I snacked a lot. I began to look at my body in comparison to others around me and I felt bad about what I noticed. I didn't really let it affect me too much, though. I would just feel more motivated to work out. In the 7th grade I mostly maintained this mindset, and I began to count calories. I was 5 feet tall, and about 118 pounds. I restricted my calories to 1,000 a day and was typically very good at keeping this. I had been starting to feel just down and in the dumps more and more often around this time. I began to go through periods of time where I felt worthless and useless, lasting normally a month or two, separated by a similar amount of time. I felt like I didn't really matter to anybody, and I was scared of talking to my friends about it and being ridiculed. I struggled with this until the summer going into the 8th grade, which I am currently in. Over that summer, I isolated myself from my friends, never meeting them or even talking to them online. I spent that summer putting myself down and crying most nights. I entered a binge-restrict cycle where I would go from restricting just fine one day and snacking on anything I could find the next. I spent more and more time examining myself in the mirror and developing a hatred for what I saw. Eventually, I entered the 8th grade and my nights of crying and wallowing in self pity began to fade away. Instead, I felt nothing. I felt empty. And I kept eating. I always told myself to stop, and promised myself I would stop, and "this is the last time." It never was. I just kept repeating the same cycle and falling deeper into my pit of self hatred. I'm now 13, 5'1 and about 120 pounds, and I binged more than I think I ever have today. I thought today was going to be a good day, but I'm now sitting in my room at almost midnight writing this and wanting to puke out my entire digestive system. I feel like nothing is worth it and I deserve nothing more than to just stop existing. I want nothing more than to just stop existing, to stop struggling with this stupid cycle.
I don't really know what I want out of this post, but I just really, really, needed to vent for a little. If you have any advice or tips you'd like to give, I'd greatly appreciate it. Thanks for reading :)
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/efsfe2/i_dont_know_what_to_do/
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