I I’m 35 years old, and I’ve been overweight since I was about 12. I’ve hated myself since I was 12. I’ve considered myself to be weaker than everyone else in both my body and my mind since I was 12.
I’ve tried like hell in the past to improve myself. I’ve gone to the gym, I’ve dieted, I’ve gone to therapy. I’ve done all of the things you’re supposed to do. While I’ve had some success here and there, it’s always been very fleeting. I’ve gotten myself from 245 down to 200 a few times, but I was never able to make it last.
Why?
I was always doing it for someone else. When I was a young college guy, I was doing it so girls would like me. That worked for a while. I got married at 23, and over the following 12 years, my weight fluctuated between 200 and 245. When I was at 245, I hated myself. When I was at 200, I still hated myself. I never did anything for myself. It was all for her. For 12 years, I tried in vain to improve myself for my wife, only to realize recently that she’s a narcissist. Improving myself only made her resent me, and she let me know constantly in very subtle ways. She made me feel like every one of my accomplishments was a lie, as if I didn’t deserve to be thinner, I didn’t deserve to be stronger, I didn’t deserve to be better than I was yesterday. The only thing that made her happy was knowing that I was less than her.
A couple months ago, when I realized exactly who I had been married to, I filed for divorce and I started working out again. Why hit the gym now? Well, if I’m going to be back on the dating scene, I’ve got to look good for the girls, right? And yes, I’ve been getting some positive attention from the ladies. Yes, I’ve so far dropped about 15 pounds. But one problem remained: I was still doing it for someone else.
This morning, for the first time ever, I got up at 4:45 to hit the gym before work. My gym is fantastic, but it’s just too busy in the evenings for me to get much of anything done. This morning, I had the entire place to myself. While I was doing some deadlifts, it finally hit me: every rep I complete is a rep I earned, and the strength I gain from that rep is strength that I deserve. This morning, I worked my way up to 335 pounds for three reps. I’m within arm’s reach of my old one rep max of 415.
On my way home, I almost stopped at McDonald’s for some breakfast, but I kept driving. I told myself “I’m not passing up a hot greasy breakfast because I’m depriving myself of something tasty. I’m going to keep driving because my body deserves better food than that.”
I got home, took a shower, and got dressed for work. Today, for the first time ever, I hit the very last notch on a belt I’ve been wearing for ten years. That’s a gift I gave myself. I earned that. I deserve that.
I deserve to be healthy. I deserve to the ability to discover the raw potential that my body is capable of while I’m still young. I deserve to look good, not for others, but so that I can feel confident. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be appreciated for the person I am, inside and out.
If you’re still reading this, I hope this helps you on your journey. You deserve all of these things. We all do. Never forget that. Be good to yourself.
[link] [comments]
source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/e5h931/i_deserve_this/
No comments:
Post a Comment