A little bit of a backstory (skip to next para if not interested), I started binging I think about 4 years ago, started small and 2 years later, I was secretly ordering food without my family knowing and eating with my door closed and inside my closet so that they wouldn't hear me or smell the food. I did this for the next 2 years, even typing this now, I feel the shame and embarrassment. I remember feeling a little guilt at every step of the process, going through the menu and ordering food that's meant for 4 people, spending (wasting) so much money, sneaking out and getting the food, tiptoeing back in, going into my closet, playing music to mask the noise if any, and just hunching over and... honestly it was like a weird trip, I'd come out of it after I'd eaten till I'm about to puke, couldn't even appreciate the taste of the food honestly (when you binge it never ever tastes like what you imagine it would when you're craving it), not being able to walk or get up, just feeling so sick physically and mentally for not having the control and doing it again. This repeated so so many times, many versions of this. I had gotten over all the guilt at some point, I'd started storing cutlery and scissors in my room! I moved out of my house and then it was just out of control, I was earning my own money and had no supervision, I was ordering more quantities (my threshold of more food was already abnormally high), because now I could store it in the fridge and continue binging the next day. And the secrecy of this dirty habit of mine in public, honestly this is the first time I'm ever writing about it, I wouldn't even write about this in my journal, there was so much shame associated to this whole thing. But I would eat extra small portions in front of my friends and family, I'd work out regularly, did chores, wasn't too lazy. So everyone would wonder why I was not loosing weight and why I kept gaining and gaining. I knew exactly why, but just couldn't admit it and accept it, even to myself!
It was so so toxic, I knew all through it, but just didn't know how to break that habit anymore. Of course I'd tried many many times but would always end up going back and binging even worse.
And then covid happened. Everything shuts down, restaurants, delivery, everyone is working form home, no more office canteen, no more late night delivery, no going out drinking, just... you get the gist. So now a very very large external force had shut down all my avenues of binging. So I do the next best thing, convenience store food, of course, did you think it would be like magic, nope. Another new saga now, I was eating all the chips and chocolates, noodles and frozen foods that you deep fry deep fried, cold drinks, milkshakes, fruit juices, everything. Whenever I wanted, all the time, did this for 2 months.
Then finally, FINALLY, I genuinely don't know how, I just got sick of it. I had stocked up packs of chips and chocolates, but just stopped reaching for them. I guess I just started craving like real food, when I binged I'd order like pizzas and pastas and biryanis and they were wholesome to some extent. This, what I was eating now, actually just tasted like garbage at this point. (basically saturated myself with sheer quantity of overeating) So I started cooking the things I wanted, and I was cooking all vegetarian (hoax corona scares about non-veg food got to me). I always knew and loved to cook, since forever, I'd just gotten so lazy in the last 6 months (after moving out) that I'd depend on the food at work and ordering in/eating out. Once I started cooking for myself, the quantities drastically reduced. And of course quality drastically improved. Still wasn't eating like the most healthy quantity, or the healthiest recipes, but this was not addicting. There's something about fast food/street food that's so addicting! And it was so much effort to cook, and not cooking meant no GOOD food.
So a mixtures of all this, slowly over the next 2- 3 months, chipped away at my binge eating habit, and I didn't even realise it. I was so busy with work, and chores, and cooking and keeping myself productive and active that I didn't realise there was a fundamental shift that was happening which was enabling me to do all these things.
So now, another month later we are in the present, where I can confidently say I've come out of the fog, I kind of am starting to understand how there was a mental disorder, I was not well enough to help myself I guess, but anyway, I'm still going to need more time and effort to figure out a clean eating habit and lifestyle and there's a long path ahead, but this was a huge, HUGE hurdle, that I feel I've past now.
Of course the Pandemic is the worst thing, and its caused so much loss to so many, I'm not thankful for that, but its the side effect of it that literally saved my life and I don't know how many more years would have gone by if not for this.
And a take away from this to anyone struggling with any kind of lifestyle problem is to just start doing one good thing for yourself, just one. And do it consistently. I don't want to give examples, you know in your head deep down at least one thing that you can change without too much effort. And just change it without any deadline in mind, it's a change for life. Don't plan to far ahead or make too many schedules and plans, just focus on the next day and put all your energy to keep up with that one change, slowly from somewhere within you, you'll get the energy and motivation to do more and more and it'll become a habit and It'll eventually become a domino effect and you'll just notice yourself doing so many more things to make your life better. I'm in the beginning of it and its a feeling no one can describe to you, and no one can really make you feel it through their experience, you just have to feel this for yourself, I think this is what loving yourself feels like honestly, it's very simple, its just happiness and satisfaction from within, but its so fulfilling.
And yes I lost some weight (4 kgs).
Anyway if you've come this far thanks for reading :)
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/j3rwi5/how_the_pandemic_helped_me_stop_binge_eating_long/
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