Hello, so, here I am. 21 years old, and this morning I weighed myself: 55 kgs. It's the first time in my life I see this number on the scale. It hasn't shocked me, but I've been aware for some time now that I've been gaining weight. I've a history of eating disorders, and the last three years I've been very unstable, from a weight and a mental health perspective, restricting and binging every week and always gaining back the weight I'd lost. In february this year I decided to try the "food freedom" method that is so popular on social media: I re-learnt to follow my hunger cues, broke all food rules (like don't eat late at night etc), set myself on the path of body acceptance etcetera.
I can say that it has worked. I've reaped many benefits from this experiment, it's honestly been a great time of self discovery, albeit a little scary at times. But now I've made peace with things that I previously had refused to see: like my actual genetics, the fact that I can't change my body shape, and have some characteristics which make me unique and recognizable to others. So now for example I would never dream of looking like a runway model: because I just know that my natural shape and proportions don't allow that. I've also made peace with my hips, the fact that I carry the most fat on my legs, my facial features, etc.
I really would advise anyone who's had a history similar to mine (anorexia during late teenage years, then reaching an healthy weight but still struggling to find balance and liking their body) to try this. It just makes you realize what life is like for "normal" people (who don't diet, nor care that much about being thin/fit), so that you can make a conscious decision on what really matters to you. You might realize that dieting to be 5 kgs lighter isn't worth it; that you value peace of mind and food freedom much more. It's a decision only you can make, and only if you make a serious attempt at living life the "normal way".
However, you can also decide that completely giving up on controlling your body fat percentage isn't ideal for you. There are many normal people out there who decide to put in the work, daily, to keep in shape. They are also normal people. They're not sick or obsessed, as many fat activists on the internet want you to believe: they just have a different set of values/priorities than most people. And they found a way to strike a balance between the pleasure of eating and the pleasure of looking good.
(Disclaimer that I should have put at the beginning: I'm not talking about people who are dangerously overweight. I'm at a healthy weight even now, my bmi being 21,5. This post is exclusively about people who want to look slimmer for aesthetic reasons).
So I've tried for a few months now to live the "body neutrality" life. Some days it feels so good and natural, others it feels... suboptimal. Overall, I think the prevalent feeling is that "I'm not doing enough" to get the most out of my youth. I just think that I deserve to remember my twenties as the time in which I was in the best shape I could possibly be. I don't want to miss out on any chances, and I know I need to be confident in my looks to really go out there as my best self. I think it's reasonable for me to want to lose a few. It's not a relapse: my mentality has greatly changed since my ed days, and I really have proven to myself that I could stay at this weight, if it were necessary. I can do acceptance, ad libitum eating, food rule breaking: I'm capable of doing and I've done all that. Tried it - decided it isn't, for me personally, the best "ideology" to follow.
So, what now? The objective is to lose 3/5 kgs (it may seem little weight, but since I'm short, it makes a hell of a difference, visually), but most importantly doing it in a way that doesn't kill my mood (my life is quite stressful as it is) and that's sustainable in the long term. I also should mention that I started going to the gym regularly, so there's the added challenge of trying to stay in a deficit while my sore muscles scream for protein and energy... I swear post workout I could eat two pizzas in a single sitting.
The calculator said that I should be eating 1760 a day with "light exercise", or 1540 if I sit on my ass all day, to maintain my current weight. I can and in fact do count calories, but I tend to not be able to stop eating when I start. So I'm thinking the best thing for me is probably some form of intermittent fasting, the main meal of the day being consumed right after workouts. My main fear is to get so hungry that I wake up at night and empty the fridge, which used to happen quite frequently once, when I was "emotionally" restricting. I want to do it the rational way, now: so I suppose I should stick to a small deficit, eating lots of protein to feed the muscle. The goal would really be "body recomposition", if such a thing exists. But I'm fine with losing fat and maintaining muscle, if there is an alternative between losing fat and building muscle.
SO I guess my question actually is: is this doable/ how can I do this? Have any of you been in my situation and achieved what I want to achieve? Am I on the right track? I don't want this to be the umpteenth failure, so if any of you have advice for me, I'll gladly take it.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/pzqdst/recovered_from_ed_years_ago_tried_food_freedom/
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