I'm turning 25 this month and I hate my body. I hate my face and my neck, I hate my flabby arms and stretched skin, I hate my stomach and that my thighs touch and rub. I hate everything about my body and often just want a start over option. Im 287lbs, and I'm so scared I'm going to hit 300lbs soon. At my lowest, I was 185 lbs. Something about me is that I'm 5'10 and built like a work horse. In my small town I was one of the tallest girls in high school. My shoulders were broader than a lot of the boys and I felt like a whale. What I didn't understand is that my body is literally built different than the people around me. I was on the varsity swim team and, well. It was awful. All the girls were tiny and size 26, 28. My coach pulled me aside when assigning racing suits saying they had to give me a size 32. I thought that was a shameful thing and I hated my body. Girls would play and 'hide'behind me because i would block them from view. I held a state record, but I still felt fat and worthless.
I went to college, still around pretty and tiny girls and feeling like a fat freak. I never learned how to apply makeup, or dress in clothes that properly fit my body, I hid behind a tom boy persona. I had a few mental health crisis and started medications, that, with being away from home and eating shit, i quickly began gaining weight.
I stopped swimming but joined the horse riding teams, again I'm surrounded by tiny women and beautiful women and I hate myself even more. I'm the diversity pick, the fat rider. I ate my feelings and gained and gained and gained. I drank so much soda it honestly makes me sick thinking about it now. Now I'm 24, almost 25, in a foreign country surrounded by beautiful and skinny people and I'm the fat American. Im a cosplayer, and I only do male or armored cosplay to hide my body so I'm not the 'fat version of -character-'.
Im tired of hating myself and my body. I want to lose weight and feel skinny and pretty, but my ideas of those are unattainable. I want to lose weight to be healthy for my body. I want to love who I see in the mirror. But I feel there's something wrong with me, or am I making excuses? I'm starting my first challenge here, and I'm scared, but also excited. I want to be around others who can help me feel accountable. I don't want to let anyone down.
I'm writing all this as a starting point.
[link] [comments]
source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/mnbxcm/coming_to_terms_with_body_dysmorphia/
No comments:
Post a Comment