“If I did what I wanted to do, I would never get anything done”

My therapist said this to me two months ago.

I have severe depressive episodes, suicidal urges exacerbated by a traumatic brain injury and childhood neglect and abuse. I’m medicated and “functional” but it’s hard for me to care, to not go numb.

I told her I had been eating healthy and counting calories but I don’t want to exercise. She said my body needs it. That getting back in touch with my body would help me heal. She told me she has chronic fatigue and that if she did what she wanted to do, she’d never get anything done— she’d sleep 12 hours a day and watch television for the other 12. Something in my mind clicked and I started forcing myself to do yoga. For two months, I counted calories and dedicated 30 minutes a day to yoga.

Two weeks ago, I crashed. I felt angry. I felt suicidal. The cheerful yoga instructor infuriated me. The self discipline I used to keep me going failed me. I binge ate, I stopped doing yoga.

Since I can remember, I’ve dissociated. It’s the only way a child can escape abuse, by going somewhere else in their mind. My tangible escape was food. I’ve been binge eating since I was a toddler.

I know there’s something in me that wants to fight for the true me inside. The me underneath a child’s dysfunctional coping mechanisms. I want to fight, but I need help. This is me reaching out. I want to look back on this day and be amazed at how far I made it.

submitted by /u/lavendersorella
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/khvr5z/if_i_did_what_i_wanted_to_do_i_would_never_get/