This is the first time I have been writing out my thoughts out this elaborate. I’m not looking for pity, but hopefully for some understanding and advice. This group seems as a safe space and I hope my post is appropriate. I know for some a lost of 30kg / 66lbs may not seem much, but I feel as if I got obsessed with the numbers.
*** it got very long so here is a TLDR composed of the questions:
Should I keep eating in a deficit in order to lose fat or start eating at maintenance (when trying to tone up the body, hence not necessarily decreasing in weight)? When eating at maintenance, - how do you do this without restricted (due to missing the reward of losing weight when eating in a deficit)? - how to overcome this black and white thinking (“if I cannot track something precisely, I give up tracking entirely for the day”)? - how do you make up for days you go over your maintenance? Would it for example be ok to eat less than 1200 calories or even do a complete water fast the next day or is this still considered unhealthy? - is it alright to go from deficit to maintenance immediately or will this cause harm? - any other advices based on my story are also appreciated. Thank you so much if you did read it.
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• female • 22 years old • 173cm / 5’8 • SW 90kg / 198lbs • CW 60kg / 132lbs • GW ???
As a kid, I was already overweight. I did not participate in any physical activity and my parents did not had any knowledge about the nutritional value of food. It got worse in high school due to a severe knee injury. As a result, I could not walk for months and the weight kept increasing. Over time I relearned how to walk, bend, jump, and run under professional guidance. But my confidence hit another deep low. Not only was I fat (which people loved to point out), but I was afraid to run or do any physical activity besides walking and lightly cycling due to the fear of injuring my knee again.
It was however at that point in time when I reached the BMI category of Obesity, that I told myself that I needed to change and that I could not continue like this anymore. This was almost three years ago, beginning 2018. I overcame my fear and I signed up for the gym and started going 6-7 times a week. It was very hard at first. I was always out of breath and I felt so bad about myself, but slowly I improved.
At that time, I did not know anything about calories or macros yet. I sticked to eating the same meals every day (breakfast: 2 slices of whole bread with lettuce, tomatoes, onions, pickles, and one or two omelet with mushrooms cooked with some oil, lunch: same as breakfast, dinner: white rice in home-made tomato soup with one added egg, snack: some fruit if I wanted). Looking back, it was actually very filling and I’m glad I didn’t starve myself. Later on, I started to learn about calories and started tracking. It wasn’t done very accurately, but again over time I learned and played around with different foods and got better at it.
The weight dropped quickly in the first few months. I went from 90kg (198lbs) to 70kg (154lbs) in only 5 months. Then I hit a plateau and my weight kept fluctuating around 67-70kg. My gym membership was also about to expire and I decided to have a “diet break”.
And then it happened. At the beginning of 2020, I gained weight back in a very short amount of time until I almost reached 80kg (176lbs) again. I was feeling devastated! I just undid half of my entire progress. I felt very disappointed in myself. But instead of dwelling in my own misery, I forgave myself and started again. I knew I accomplished to lose weight once, so I had the confidence in myself that I could do this again.
I did not lose the weight as quickly as before, but I had patience. Gyms also closed down due to COVID, so I started to do body exercises at home instead. When the weather became warmer, I started the couch to 5K together with my little brother. I knew if I had my diet on point, the weight would decrease. And it did. After 4-5 months I got back to my old weight of 70kg!
I continued. I finished my first 5K (although we still need to increase our speed) and when the gym opened up again, I signed up my little brother as well. I did research on muscle training and started learning compound exercises like squat (although my knee still hurts a bit), deadlift, bench press, and tried to apply progressive overload. I still follow this pull/push/legs routine and we restarted the couch to 5K program, but now on the treadmill in order to make sure we run on the correct speed.
I truly enjoy going to the gym now. I love spending time with my brother and seeing both of us progressing and getting stronger! Eventually I also overcame my old plateau weight of 70kg and now I have finally reached my ultimate goal weight of 60kg (132lbs).
However, I did not feel as happy as I thought I would. When I look at my body in the mirror, I feel like I went from Obese to Skinny Fat. This was not the body I imagined I would have when I reach my goal weight. I don’t look like people with the same height and weight as me at all. It made me feel miserable.
Sometimes I’m doubting whether I have to decrease my goal weight. But the lowest I can go would be 56kg (123lbs), since below that would classify me as Underweight according to BMI. I’m conflicted, because I fear that I would still not like how my body would look at that weight. I do not mind to keep my weight now as it is if my body would look more toned.
Furthermore, I tried eating at maintenance to try it out and personally for me it felt so much more difficult than eating in a deficit! I could only keep this up for 2 days. A reason for this is that I see eating at a deficit being rewarded with weight loss, whereas eating at maintenance does not give you any rewards. In the first place, I thought that when I reach my goal weight, I don’t have to calorie count anymore and I can finally stop feeling this restricted. Now the realisation is finally sinking in...
When I calorie count, it’s all very black and white for me. I have to measure everything I eat accurately, otherwise my entire day of logging is ruined and I eat whatever. Therefore, I avoid eating out, do not eat food I cannot track precisely, and I cook and eat separately from my family (student still living at home). I’m now very afraid to stop tracking entirely like I did before. I truly do not want to gain the weight back again like I did last time. My family and friends all tell me just to eat normally since I don’t have to lose any more weight... I just don’t know how to eat normally anymore? I don’t feel that my fear is understood, because they never struggled with weight and eating 😔
I’m at a loss what to do now. I have been trying to eat at maintenance, which failed after two days. The upcoming days I binged on all food that previously did not fit in my calories. As a result, I gained 4kg in the span of only 3 days:
• Nov 25: 60.1kg • Nov 26: 62.1kg • Nov 27: 63.2kg • Nov 28: 64.3kg
To make up for the damage, I restricted myself for 4 days to 650-700 calories and got back to 59.6kg. Then I ate at my previous deficit of 1200-1300 calories for 2 days, until yesterday I got over again... My parents run a fast food place and a customer did not pick up her order and I didn’t want to waste the food so I ate it 😐 Normally, I think I would have indulged myself in more food since my day was ruined already and think about water fasting the next day. Instead I took a shower and went to sleep and today I weighted in at 60.4kg.
I’m laying in bed right now, contemplating about what to eat today. Eat what I really crave which is high in calories? Or stick to my low calories food and routine? Try to stop tracking for one day? Eat more than deficit, but still keep tracking? Only have a coffee for breakfast instead? And so on and so on...
Instead of functioning as a normal human by waking up and eating something and then finally start on writing her report (which is due tomorrow midnight fml), I’m writing this and asking for help. I’m truly hungry right now.
Afraid to post such a huge wall of text... Here goes nothing...
*** Edit: WELP, out of literally all days, the battery of my food scale decided to run out of battery today so I guess I received my answer
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/k7552a/realisation_that_there_is_no_end_to_my_weight/
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