I've always been the sort of person who can achieve anything I put my mind to. I'm motivated to pick up new habits, shake things up, and generally experiment with my life. I've worked really, really hard over the last 5 years on improving my mental health -- letting go of perfectionism, replacing negative self-talk with self-compassion, finding balance in place of all-or-nothing thinking. Despite having overcome lots of obstacles in my life, getting to a healthy weight/body fat has been the one thing that's defeated me. I can't help but feel like a failure over and over and over again every time my weight jumps all over the place.
I've been overweight since I was a kid. My parents grew up poor and never wanted their kids to know what it's like to be hungry, so they erred on making sure we always had food and... it worked; I'm pretty much never hungry because I'm always eating. My parents were strict, frugal with money, Catholic, and emotionally neglectful. This meant I rarely derived pleasure from 'normal' kid/teenager things (toys, sleepovers with friends, family vacations, going to the movies, dating) and when I did, those pleasures were ridden with guilt. The only guilt-free pleasure I was allowed to enjoy was food, especially because my mom loves cooking and loves even more when we love what she cooks and show her by gobbling everything up.
I've started all sorts of diets and tried changing my lifestyle a zillion times (keto, portion control, counting calories, exercising regularly, noom, bright line eating, intermittent fasting, eating vegan, cutting out sugar, logging food) but I always end up back at square one. The only thing that's really worked for me is bulimia, which is something I don't really want to consider again.
I love food and going to new restaurants and cooking/baking, and it's been so. freakin'. impossible. to say goodbye to this thing that's been a central part of my life for so long. Whenever I travel, I take a cooking class and prioritize food tours over any other kind of experiences. I've bonded with my closest friends over savoring food, talking about new concoctions we've made in the kitchen, and sharing meals where poring over every detail about the food is a large part of our conversation.
I'm convinced I'm a food addict. I see all sorts of posts and progress pics and am amazed by the discipline you all have in getting serious about changing and sticking with it. Once I start eating, I can't seem to stop, even when my brain tells me I'm full and don't actually need to eat. Because of this, it feels like I really need to stop associating food with comfort/pleasure/joy and see it for what it is: fuel. I feel comfort/pleasure/joy from plenty of things, but nothing compares to the high I feel from eating something oh so spectacularly delicious. Like I said, I seriously think I'm addicted.
So on one hand I feel terrified of what my life would look like if I 'sober up'. Would I just have to get used to feeling neutral/mildly happy? Will changing my lifestyle wedge distance between me and some of my close friends? Would I have to give up everything else in my life that takes willpower because I'd need to focus it all on combating cravings and obsessive thoughts about food? And on the other hand I feel terrified of what my life would look like if I don't sober up. Will I be chubby forever? Do I just have to accept that I'll probably die at a younger age? Will I end up battling diabetes and heart disease at some point? I'm starting to tear up and can feel a swell of hopelessness as I type this.
I've boiled down my problem to two competing priorities: enjoying food as a hobby and getting down to a healthy weight. Enjoying food leads to overeating, which makes getting down to a healthy weight difficult. Getting down to a healthy weight means moving around more and eating less, which means eating in a way that's less enjoyable and figuring out how to adjust my lifestyle so I don't spiral into depressing thoughts of "what's the point if the things that bring me the most dopamine go out the window?". Throw in the fact that I'm also trying to be more forgiving and accept my body the way it is (because even though I can never look as 'conventionally pretty' as other women, I know I'm not as ugly as I sometimes feel), and I just end up feeling overwhelmed and confused.
So here we go again. One more thing to try: getting support from people on reddit who understand the struggle and won't enable unhealthy habits. I plan on going through the Beck diet workbook and making updates here since I can't find a good accountability partner among my social circle (someone to be my cheerleader, to encourage me when I'm losing steam, to realize that being kind means helping me move toward my goals instead of just saying 'you don't need to diet').
My *true* goal is to show myself that I have the discipline, willpower, and resiliency to change my life and thought patterns, and nourish my body with healthy foods/quantities. Hopefully getting to a healthy weight will be a bonus side effect.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/kdhm16/33f_55_cw_173lb_gw_125lb_trying_yet_again/
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