First post here so sorry if it's off in any way.
tl;dr: was too fat, now too skinny, know when to stop losing weight
To preface this I grew up in am unhealthy eating household. We weren't very well off so I grew up eating a lot of the unhealthy cheaper foods. My dad was obese and my mom had a lightning fast metabolism so she would make a lot of foods appeasing to my dad and me and never had to watch her own weight. So biscuits and gravy and pizza and fried foods just all the time, hardly ever any veggies. And I was taught a package of cookies/chips/whatever junk doesnt last more than a night. I was a manchild growing up, at 11 years old I was 5'7 180lbs, I was a huge little kid.
We tried a couple diets throughout my childhood, and some of them even worked reasonably well, I remember losing like 20 lbs in 14 days with this one called the idiot proof diet, you'd eat like 3 items (i.e. turkey meat, green beans, boiled eggs) 4 times a day and it was cool. But every single diet we ever started, the second my mom and I would be alone she'd turn to me with wide eyes and a smile and say something like, "You wanna go to burgerking??" My mom had effectively been conditioned that like junk food was the way to our cholesterol filled hearts, it was a horrible conflict growing up.
Throughout years of struggling with my weight and losing some and gaining some and etc. I kinda gave up. I always figured I'd do it someday, besides, at least I'm funny right? By the age of 20 I was married, and stood at 6'4 and weighed around 260 (wasn't the fondest of scales obviously at this point). I was a chonky fella. Some people carry their weight gracefully, I do not, I had big ol moobs and love handles and still no ass, it was rough. I'd beat myself up all the time. Literally like scenes out of bojack horseman "yeah why dont you eat more you fat fucking pig look at yourself, you're disgusting, this is why this, and this is why that, and etc." As I'm wrist deep in an almost empty new bag of donuts or some shit.
I got divorced, spent a lot of time by myself and just realized how much I've just been playing myself all these years. Told myself to wake the fuck up! Stop eating so much you fool! (Sidenote dad died if a heart attack when I was 17) you want to end up like dad?! I did not.
I ate less, I started eating according to my activities and if I stayed in my room making beats all day I'd only eat like a granola bar or two. After the first day of C R A V I N G S I got used to not eating much, it was almost a state of fast, I'd be fine all day and maybe eat something small in the evening or before bed. I started losing weight daily and got so fucking high off seeing that number get smaller it was just something I'd never been able to stick to, and here I was feeling like it wasn't even difficult, I was thrilled! I wasn't working out, dieting, or anything, I was just eating less. That's what i came down to.
By the time I was 21 I had hit my basically life long goal of 190, but I still thought I looked fat, so I kept eating less and just stuck with what I had been doing. Today I am 168 lbs. I haven't weighed this since I was 10. And today, after almost 2 years of losing it, I'm done. I am unhealthy, I am weak, and I am skinny. I look in the mirror and all I can see is my loose skin, serving as ghosts of all those shapes on my body I learned to fucking hate with a passion. And I still feel fat, I feel like I have a gut, fatty thighs, love handles, but it's just skin. It's okay to be done losing it.
I had a psychadelic experience and when I saw myself naked in the mirror I cried. I could not recognize my body. I had grown up with this soft tubby round body and here in front of me all I could see was bones. I could count my ribs, I could see my ribs in my chest. Just so bony, it hurt my heart. I realized in that moment this is what everyone else sees. They dont see the fat me that I see, and i needed to let him go, otherwise i was going to go down this spiral to sickness.
Dont be afraid to stop losing it, today I start gaining it. It's time to go to the gym and start eating more, but healthy, food. Time to stop fantasizing about a smaller number, it's time to get healthy.
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/u/TheOnlyModest
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https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/ewyvzd/im_done_losing_it/
