I've been an aspiring comedian for the past few years now and I remember when I first started doing stand-up comedy back in 2016, I felt like I really needed to make jokes about my size (at the time, I was 6'1 and 375 lb). I felt like I was constantly about to be heckled or laughed at for being so big, so I better make fun of myself before anyone else could.
And it worked, to a degree. The audience would generally chuckle at those jokes, though it was the other material that I performed that tended to get a better response. But it became a staple of my stand-up routine for years, that when I got up on stage I would start with a joke about my size, get some laughs, then feel at ease, like the audience now liked me enough for me to get to the actual jokes.
(Side note: not once have I ever been heckled by an audience member for my weight, because it turns out most audiences are actually pretty great. But of course, it does happen)
Around the middle of 2018, things started to change. After slowly creeping up to 390 lb, I decided to make a change. I took a dedicated approach through adopting the CICO method, taking 1-hour walks every evening and consistently logging what I was eating (not to mention the occasional inspiration from this sub).
As a result, by the end of 2018, I found myself really achieving some success, losing 60 lb (going down to 330). I felt a noticeable difference in my attitude, ability to sleep and just being more comfortable all around.
I realised that I "thought" about my weight much less. In the past, I was constantly thinking about things like "Will I be able to sit on this chair? Will this seatbelt be big enough? I have a wedding coming up, am I too big for my suit now?" Suddenly, those concerns were much less, so I suppose it wasn't on my mind as actively. I was still far from my goal weight, but I was in a place where I felt good about myself and the progress I had made. I still had my eyes on the prize, but it was more of a routine thing than anything else.
But most notable, I realised that when I performed, my jokes about my size were getting better laughs than ever before.
Looking back, I think this is actually for two reasons:
- Firstly, I think that although I was clearly still a big guy, I was comparatively smaller than before, and the jokes came across a little less harsh. I was still very overweight, but I think the bracket I was in was one where perhaps it felt a little less mean, if that makes sense? I don't think anyone should ever be ridiculed for their weight, but for me to joke about being overweight on stage as I was, the audience were probably more comfortable to laugh along.
- Secondly, and probably more importantly, I knew my motivation for any 'fat jokes' were different. I wasn't trying to protect myself from being laughed at. I knew I was the healthiest I'd been in years, I felt good about myself, and my motivation was pretty much just "I think this is funny and will make people laugh". And not to toot my own horn, but most of the time, it did, so I think that underlying motivation really carried through.
As 2019 began and progressed, I let myself get distracted by a new job and other things, so I eventually lost the momentum and by the end of the year, I eventually put back on everything I had lost. It was demoralizing, but despite all of that, I felt confident that I had done it before and I could do it again.
With that resolve, I started 2020 quite strong, though it was definitely slower than before. But I felt like I was building up some routine and solid habits to build a good foundation for the rest of the year.
Then COVID happened. Then state-wide lockdown. Then only working 4 hours a week.
I lost all motivation for everything really. My stand-up comedy (which also had quite a lot of positive momentum at the start of the year with getting my name out there more, reaching the state finals for a competition) was at a stand-still because COVID restrictions meant all the comedy clubs were closed for a while, many going out of business. With my work hours being significantly cut, I spent most of my time just eating and playing video games. I live in Australia where people in my situation received a monthly pay supplement, which was incredibly helpful, but also gave me little motivation to try and change my situation. I could just eat and game my time away.
2020 has been an awful year for pretty much everyone, and this whole "COVID kilos" thing is very relatable to most people, I'm sure. But I've felt the past few months be like a vortex, where I've written this whole year off since about September, so I've stopped trying to even slow down the weight gain.
Bringing me to this point where I am now.
At present, I'm 420 lb, and I'm feeling it. I was never athletic, but I was able to at least comfortably walk decent distances. Now, I'm exhausted after taking my dog out in the morning around the block, I'm constantly self-conscious and there are some really basic tasks that I can't comfortably do right now (and am too embarrassed to even post about, but I suspect some people can understand or relate to that feeling). It's the worst I've ever felt about who I am and it's on my mind, all the time.
As I mentioned, because of COVID restrictions, live performance has been pretty much dead this year, apart from a few occasions to still get up on stage and tell some jokes here and there. So, a lot of my time these past few months has been dedicated to writing jokes, which I'll often test with friends/family. I usually write about what I've been thinking about, which lately has been my weight, and it's been really interesting to note that those jokes have nearly all received an awkward chuckle in reply, and I'm pretty confident of the reason for that: they're too concerned to find it funny right now (The jokes could just be shit too, but I don't think that's the main reason)
After deciding last weekend "Okay, I need to get back into action", I've spent the past few days trying to recapture the temporary success of 2 years ago, taking my long evening walks, enforcing portion control, not ordering takeaway and logging what I have. I'm feeling good right now, but I'm aware of how precarious this period is, so I want to be mindful.
Part of that mindfulness has been writing down my goals, what I miss being able to do, what it would mean for me to lose X pounds. And something that I realised as a short- term goal, for now, is that I want to be able to get back on stage, make jokes about my weight and not feel like the motivation is to make excuses about who I am right now.
I honestly do think most of the jokes I've come up with about my weight are actually quite funny. And I'm a strong believer that self-deprecating humour (in healthy doses) is a great way to show an audience that if you're willing to laugh about yourself, you can laugh about anything.
But I want to be doing it from a place of security and in a way where everyone can feel comfortable. When I get back to there, I feel like I'm going to be happier, not just for the external change, but what I know it means internally too.
I don't know how relatable this really is, but I wanted to share, so thanks for reading :)
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/kikyqq/honestly_i_just_want_to_lose_enough_weight_for_it/
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