So I’m 20f. I was a always a chubby little kid, but no one cared and I didn’t either—until I developed a restrictive ed at 12. Honestly I don’t remember much about that first time. I do remember that my highest weight was around 165lbs (I hit my growth spurt early and was sitting at about my max height of 5’5” already) and I ended and maintained somewhere between 155 and 150. Junior year rolled around and I relapsed, getting to ~130.
After gaining some weight in recovery and then leveling out I maintained between 135 and 140 for 3 years. Then I started taking lithium and gained around 15lbs. There wasn’t much of a visible difference—it was mostly water retention because I had just introduced a fuckload of extra salt into my system. But that combined with the stress of COVID, moving back to university and being suddenly and unbearably lonely, and online courses...I just snapped. BIG relapse. Went from 152 to 123 in a little under 2 months.
I’m now going through the hell that is recovery. Restriction-induced binging has brought me back up to about 140. I know that a lot of people call bullshit on ‘extreme hunger’ and ‘starvation mode’ but let me tell you, if you’ve been restricting HARD for a long time—it’s real. I have sat on the floor of my apartment at 2am shoving chocolate and straight butter into my mouth like a fucking goblin, sobbing hard enough to choke on it because I physically couldn’t stop myself.
Now that I’ve stopped dancing between ‘I want to not be miserable’ and ‘i wAnT sKinNi’ and chosen recovery I’m nervous. My body is afraid and wants me to eat 3500+ calories a day “just in case.” I know from last time that it won’t last forever, only a month or two at the most—and I also know that if I don’t let my body have what it wants for a while it will just keep fighting me and fighting me.
I don’t want to gain weight. I know this is an ed fear but I’m already in the middle-high range of a healthy BMI for my height. I want to just lose 25lbs at most. If I try to watch what I eat consciously and make it healthy it becomes an obsession. If I try to work out like a healthy person it becomes an obsession. All I want—all I’ve ever wanted—is to be slim and toned. I’m not fat, no one’s ever even called me chubby. But I have pudge on my arms and thighs and I don’t. Want. It.
I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid I’ll never be able to diet like a normal person. The only way I’ve ever lost weight is by literally starving myself and binging/purging.
Sorry this is so long. I guess I just wanted to vent a little to people who may understand somewhat, even if you don’t understand everything. Thanks for reading if you’ve made it this far lol.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/kilfwq/i_want_to_lose_weightbut_my_eating_disorder_has/
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