I've been here many times before, under many different accounts, each time saying "this time is different, this time I'm really going to commit", only to lose interest and succumb to the allure of food- my mortal enemy-, stuffing my face without any concern. And I genuinely wish to apologize to the many people who chimed in with their thoughtful, supportive, motivational, empathetic, and extremely informative posts- I'm sorry you wasted your time on me when I wasn't yet ready. I really hope that this time is different, and that it really truly is the time when I finally commit.
I am 30 years old and have had my life robbed due to the many poor decisions I made which lead to my morbid obesity. The last time I was weighed (about a year ago) I came in at 486lbs. It's probably safe to round up to the big 500, since I'm fairly confident I'm hit that number, or possibly higher, since.
There are of course countless physical side-effects to my being this size. Profuse sweating, shortness of breath, and pounding heart after any activity requiring even just the tiniest mount of physical exertion. Aches and pains all over, from my feet and knees, to my hips and torso.
But you know what? The physical side-effects/pain are a relatively minute component of this despicable state I've eaten myself into. The way in which it really wreaks havoc is in your head- at least for me. Being this size has completely destroyed my ego and self-esteem, and not only in the most obvious ways, but in ways you'd never think could be affected by this condition.
I can't go to a restaurant without first calling in to see if they have regular tables with chairs as opposed to booths, because I never fit in the latter. I have to pretend that I'm tired of sitting "because I've been sitting driving all day" anytime I get to a friend/acquaintances house where I'm certain I'll either not fit into/onto their furniture, or I might break it- and that's because I've had both happen on several occasions. In movie theatres, I will avoid sitting directly next to whoever I'm with "because I like to be completely alone and isolated while absorbing the film". Flights are an absolute hell, as you can no doubt imagine. In addition to being so big, I am also tall (6'3"), so my knees are constantly digging into the seat in front of me, causing my knees to go numb from pain, but also causing my legs to very painfully cramp up. Rides and certain arcade games you can completely forget about. Laser tag? Good luck finding a vest that fits- maybe if you combine two or three of them. Cars... I love them, but can’t fit in most of them (super awkward at dealerships, having a stranger watch over you as you try and fail to get into their entire inventory), and certainly would never fit into any of my dream cars, at least one of which I’d like to someday own. And can you imagine having to call a new friend who wants to pick you up so that you can ask what kind of car it is they have, so that you can google to see the dimensions? Or what about the crippling anxiety of being in public spaces, or “in the spotlight” outside on a sunny day where you can’t hide your body from anyone. You spend so much time trying to find clothes that don't fit (and make you look) as awkward as you really are, but ultimately it's all futile, because fat guy clothes are complete afterthoughts relative to their regular sized counterparts- and that's regardless of what brand or how much you spend (I have spent tens of thousands).
I've had several "friends" throughout life who were addicted to certain things- drugs, cigarettes, alcohol, etc.-, but I never understood it... how they could let this thing take over their lives like that. Then it hit me... I had an addiction which several orders of magnitude worse than the worst of theirs... I was addicted to food. But food is essential to living, so people don't view it with the same stigma attached to it as drug use... because that drive-thru worker doesn't know if this is my first meal of the day, or my sixth one- what're they gonna' do, refuse to serve me because I look like I've had enough? I am a junky who gets to live brazenly in plain sight. I have stolen money from my mom in the past on several occasions when that ferocious bottomless pit late night hunger struck, and would drive as far as it took to get my fix. I don't do that so much anymore, but at my worst, I would consume four double cheeseburgers, two jr chickens, large fries, maybe 10-20 nuggets... late at night. I spent so many years eating without worry or consequence, slowly killing myself. I'm acutely aware of the repercussions of these actions (and literally see/feel the results on myself), and can list for you all the ways in which this behaviour was extremely detrimental, yet that is/was not enough to stop eating like this.
I am a complete ghost to girls, always have been- and I don't blame them one bit, because nobody in their right might would ever want to be with this. Yes, of course looks aren't everything, but there's a limit even to that. And the few times (I can count on one hand, and still have fingers leftover) girls tried to make obvious advances on me, I shot them down, despite being devastatingly desperate/starved for any kind of physical/mental affection, because I couldn't stand the idea of fully showing myself to another human. The cellulite, stretch marks, skin tags, rashes, discolouration, etc.- I can barely look at myself in the mirror, so of course I'd never expose my disgusting body to any other human. It took me about 28 years before I got comfortable enough to sleep with no shirt on. Unrequited love is the only love you know when you're this size. You make friends with girls and are deluded enough to think they'd want anything to do with you, so you take your shot which is always inevitably deflected, and things become awkward and so you part ways. Heartache and rejection become your baseline to the point that you eventually shut off and stop trying altogether. And that's me now; I stopped trying several years ago now, because I grew tired of the constant pain and rejection. The thought that I'd never get "first pick" in who I want to be with kills me. I don't want to have to settle because there's no one else, no one better. I know that's an awful thing to say, but it's been on my mind for a while now.
I have messed out on literally all the birthright moments any kid should have due to being like this my entire life. It really hurts to think about all the stuff I never got to do that all the other kids did.
I am a good- even great- guy with lots going for him, with nearly endless potential, but until I can tackle this one major underlying issue which has been the chief hinderance stopping me from moving forward and doing great things throughout my entire life, none of all that I can be will ever be realized.
Do you know the immeasurable amount of shame attached to having a parent on their deathbed, and your not being able to lie next to them one last time because you'd break the bed that their frail and sick body is withering away in front of your eyes on? Of all the countless ways being like this has (probably irreversibly) fucked me up, this is by far the worst. My dad, who was my world and my best friend, couldn't be embraced by me in those final moments/hours/days/weeks, because his failure of a son was too fucking fat to be there on the bed with him, hugging him as tight as he could, kissing him, whispering him things which I couldn't bring myself to say aloud.
I am so done with being like this. But at the same time, and despite all the immense discomfort, I have grown to be comfortable being like this. I am, by nature, extremely hard-headed and stubborn. How then will I ever make the change required to get me on the path to living a much-desired life with some semblance of normalcy to it? If all the scares saying I'll die by 35 or 40 if I keep this up aren't enough to change my trajectory, or the fact that I'll never experience romance... then what will it take? I want to change more than anything, but then there's the part of me that also won't allow it. Part of me has this death grip on the other part of me which wants change. Am I afraid that life will be too good once I lose the weigh? Is it that that part of me thinks I don't deserve to be happy? I always had larger-than-life dreams and ambitions, but always made the excuse that they were too easy, so I never ended up trying. Of course the reality of the situation is much different. Being this size has made me extremely lazy and robbed me of all the potential I ever had.
I could go on much more about this, but will end it here, because I've just realized there probably isn't any point in this. I want the change so badly, but feel it within myself that I won't do it. It's so much easier to talk about what all I could have been rather than going out and trying. I never wanted to put in the work.
But... on the off chance you're still with me and might think that there's a chance this time might be different, I would very much appreciate your help and guidance in getting me started. I have read several threads, watched several videos... but that's not enough. I want to be told here what I need to do. I don't want to be recommended some book or a trip to the doctor... I just simply want to know what to do starting immediately. I don't do well with numbers and precision, but I will be strict when I start. Tell me what to do. Do I do 1500 calories a day and intermittent? Please do not link me other threads or a starter guide- I want to be selfish this one time and make this entirely 100% about me. I want to get to 200-220lbs. I want to start seeing results this summer. I want to be able to use my body without it failing me. I have only ever lived life as an outsider, watching everyone else play the game of life... but now I finally want to be a participant. I don't want to spend any money I earn filling all the voids- I want to mend them naturally instead of chasing fleeting meaningless dopamine hits via retail therapy, which is the only thing that's ever made me happy. Please help me, I want a life.
[link] [comments]
source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/hch61u/i_lost_my_life_to_obesity_please_help_me_turn/
No comments:
Post a Comment