Potential TW/ eating disorders
I’m not really sure where to start.
I’ve always been overweight. I haven’t cared much about dieting or losing weight. I’ve hated my body and the way I look but never really put much effort in except for the few one off attempts, maybe a week or month a year, get discouraged and stop. Contrary to this, I do care about not being depressed which includes being active. I’ve been going to the gym 3-5 times a week for over 2 years now. What impact has that had on my weight? Slight fluctuation of give or take 10 lbs. I can clearly see how positively it has impacted my moods but because I eat like shit, doesn’t really matter from a looks perspective, or at least not that I can tell.
From a health perspective: - I’m bipolar - I have hashimoto’s disease - I have PCOS
Anyway, not relevant or anything, really just not a great combination of impulse control and lack of confidence — losing weight seems impossible because at the pace my body seems to react and how quickly I give up on things that I don’t enjoy doing.
About 4 months ago I had to travel out of state because my grandfather was given a week to live (on Christmas!) and I wanted to spend whatever time I could near him or at least with family since covid makes hospital visits not a possibility. A week or 2 into being there, my boyfriend at the time dumped me. It was a high stress time between traveling, family, and I had also just moved into a new position at work. I felt extremely out of control.
Because I’m bipolar, I don’t drink or do drugs or have raunchy sex outside of relationships because I know these things trigger me but I needed something to keep me steady. That turned into not eating and binging on and off for 3 months before I decided to come home. I also stopped exercising and when I did eat, it was absolute garbage junk food to an extreme.
Cut to when I got home. I had lost 30 lbs from the poor eating habits. Everyone in my life was thrilled. My ex wanted me back, my mom got really motivated, my roommate started punching me in my arm and saying “why’d you get so skinny!”. I’m still overweight.
I felt like A fraud because I didn’t try to lose weight and instead of living my life to do things to be happy, it was a result of being miserable. So what did I decide to do? Actually try to eat better and get back to the gym.
I’m on week 2 of staying on top of it. I go to the gym 5 times a week before work. I drink a shit ton of water. I eat healthily (low carb) without counting calories but I know I’m eating so much better than I was before even while losing weight.
It’s been two weeks of this. No sugars, low carbs, mostly salads and protein and water on top of going to the gym most days. I’ve gained a pound and lost nothing.
I guess this falls under all of the same reasons why I get fed up and stop every single time I’ve tried. I know 2 weeks isn’t long but I feel like I’m denying myself so much yummy food, all I want to do is binge out, and my body is my worst enemy.
I know it’s not just the scale. My body feels more toned, I can see my muscles more and more most days. I don’t want to give up, I want to lose another 40 lbs. I want to feel good and I want to be happy in my skin. I’m fighting the feeling of, what’s the point if I only seem to be able to progress by not eating?
Anyway, any feedback or headpats would be appreciated.
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source https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/mwkkjs/30_lbs_down_and_in_need_of_some_motivational/
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